Carrots and Sticks

Hello everyone!

In my "Causes and Prevention of War" class, we've been discussing the concept of "Carrots and Sticks". Carrots are rewards that one country offers another to keep peace, and sticks are threats, usually military ones, but sometimes economic or diplomatic ones. For example, right now the Bush administration has been using nothing but sticks with Iran, surprise, surprise. Unfortunately, sticks usually backfire, but people are too stupid to realize it, so they usually get used.

Anyway, this concept also shows up in relations among individual people, too. Take this myspace bulletin I came across:

Subject: STOP... Thief!!

Body: whoever stole a keg tap from my party last night, you're a fucking douche and I hope karma beats your fuckin' ass..

you can still bring it back.

Here we see the thief being threatened with an ass-beating from karma (sticks), but the person is also offered a chance to become less of a douche (carrots) by returning the tap. We can learn much from this parable. There is always a chance for redemption.

Happy Halloween everyone!

Rob

PS: Don't forget to vote on the Rob Dow’s World One Year Anniversary Spectacular Special Extravaganza! As of 4:30 pm Wednesday, only two people have. Please don't make me downgrade from three to two readers in future columns...

Rob Dow's World One Year Anniversary Spectacular Special Extravaganza!

Before we get started, I'd like to take a moment to acknowledge the asshole driving the big, loud, piece-of-shit pickup truck that ran over the gray squirrel in front of our house this morning.

I'm sure he doesn't read my blog because I doubt he knows how to read, and I'm sure he doesn't realize that there's more to the Internet than bestiality porn. But still, I have time to do acknowledge him now since I won't have to worry about looking out my window at the funny squirrel, the only gray one in our neighborhood, that bounded instead of walking, no doubt because of most of its tail was gone (possibly because of our cat), and so it didn't have much of a balance. I'll also no longer have to worry about spending my time being amused while watching it gather acorns from under our oak tree and bury them in the neighbor's yard across the street. Thanks for freeing up my schedule so I can concentrate on fun things like doing homework and organizing my sock drawer.

I suppose I should also acknowledge the asshole's superior driving skills--the way he gunned the accelerator, swerved to the other side of the street, and timed things just right so his truck's enormously huge tires (which are clearly his way of overcompensating for the smallness of something else) could squash the squirrel right while I was watching it out the window. But instead, I'll just call him an asshole again. Asshole! Thanks for making my wife cry! And thanks for starting what should have been a fun-filled blog posting on a sour note. Again, I say to you: Asshole!

I feel slightly better now...

Hello everyone!

Here it is, the moment we've all been waiting for,

The Rob Dow's World One Year Anniversary Spectacular Special Extravaganza!

And what milestone celebration would be complete without a trip down Memory Lane? Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome tonight's emcee, coming to you in a very special font style and color, Mr. Wink Martindale!

Thank you, thank you. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Rob Dow's World One Year Anniversary Spectacular Special Extravaganza! It's going to be a very special night, indeed! Tonight, we'll be reliving the highlights of the past year! We'll be voting on the best and worst of the past year! There'll be thrill, chills, and spills! There might even be a few surprises along the way! So come one, come all! Roll up, roll up, step right this way! Fasten your seatbelts--we're in for a bumpy ride! Make some popcorn, wake up the kids, and keep your eyes glued to the screen! Call your family and friends and tell them...

Wink, if you keep hyping this post too much, it'll never be able to live up to the expectations.

Well, excuuuse me! It's not my fault this blog isn't quite at the Tic-Tac-Dough level, is it? Maybe if your blog wasn't so third-rate, I wouldn't have to hype it so much, and then you'd be able to spring for some decent scotch backstage instead of Potter's Bourbon!

Backstage? What are you talking about? There's no stage, let alone a backstage. You know, I've had just about enough from you, Wink. I swear, one more comment like that and I won't pay you the $34 we agreed on.

Well, in that case...

*Ahem* Ladies and Gentlemen, let's take a look back at the highlights of the past year, shall we?

Rob Dow's World had its humble beginnings just one short year ago, October 28, 2006. From Rob's first posting, you can see how, despite the fact that he hadn't yet gotten the hang of HTML, there was potential there. Some would argue that these were the glory days of the blog, a time when Rob had to rely entirely on his prose instead of just hyperlinking to other sites, posting photos and YouTube videos, or using fancy colored fonts and other techno-gimmickry to try to make his posts entertaining.

But unfortunately, the glory days didn't last long. By the fifth posting, Rob was so desperate for material that he actually posted one of his class assignments. Then he decided it would be a good idea to test out his photo posting skills with a series of photos of Kramer from Seinfeld. Unfortunately, unknown to Rob, this was just after the Michael Richards racist rant scandal. Oops.

This bit of humility apparently did Rob some good as he somewhat rebounded with two solid posts. The first one, while not a very original concept, saw him responding to reader mail, and he earned praise from the critics. By critics I mean the one or two people who commented on it. The second post was a rambling, pointless rant about whether to say "Happy Holidays" or "Merry Christmas", but it did earn him his first (and so far only) comment from someone who wasn't either a friend or relative.

Oh, but then he decided to take three weeks off before returning with a whiny post about going to the dentist. Grow up, Rob. Do you have any idea what I go through? I've been getting these pearly whites bleached and shellacked every other week since 1973, and you don't hear me bitching, do you?

Anyway, things kept going downhill with a copy and paste quote from Carl Sagen of all people. The copy and paste theme became more and more prevalent as Rob got lazier and lazier.

Then Rob did his multi-part series about the Nigerian rich uncle scam. Sure there were a few laughs, but where was the resolution? You emailed back and forth a few times, and then what? Nothing! It was never even mentioned again! Did he think nobody would notice? It was just like on Roseanne when they replaced Becky with a different Becky!

In my defense, Wink, by the fourth or fifth posting, the joke had gotten pretty old and stale.

Well, speaking of getting old and stale, the blog "jumped the shark" once Rob figured how to post YouTube videos. Anyone can do that! How about some originality! What a jerk!

It got worse. He then tried to have photo caption contests, apparently thinking that he can make his readers do all the work for him. A word of advice: you've got to have more than three readers if you want them do your job for you. And what is the deal with crossing out words that reference the number of your readers and replacing it with "two" or "three"? Self-deprecating humor gets old quickly. What's next, a whole column devoted to it?

Things started looking up when Rob posted blogs devoted to his travels and vacations and such. Unfortunately, he doesn't go anywhere most of the time.

Then he got the bright idea to start a whole other blog where he copies news articles and comments on them, apparently thinking he was some sort of anti-journalist. He can't do one blog--what makes him think he can do two? I guess he can't--it's been over two months since he posted on Rob Comments on the News.

I do have to admit, Rob really hits his stride when he talks about something he knows best, like colons or Larry Craig bathroom sex. But sometimes he can be a bit weird, like the Peter Bonerz post, or even a bit creepy, like the giant cucumber posting. The look on his face in the photo. Good lord!

Some of them were just dumb. A jumping bus? Ladies and Gentlemen, this is why you shouldn't blog while sniffing glue!

With a year of ups and downs like that, who knows what to expect in the coming year? If you're smart, you won't put too much thought into it. I know Rob doesn't put too much thought into his blog postings. But I guess that's okay since he's "not getting paid for this".

I, however, am. Now Rob, if you'll be kind enough to hand over the $64 we agreed on, I'll be on my way. I've got to get down to Fresno for a car dealership opening.

Actually, it was $34. Nice try, though.

Thank you, Wink, for that wonderful trip down Memory Lane. Actually, it seemed more like a celebrity roast to me. Good thing I'm not a celebrity!

Annual awards!

Here's where you, the millions three of my readers, get to vote for your favorites! I've never made an online poll before, so if these don't work, well, I'm not getting paid for this.

Sweet, two of the oldest jokes in one paragraph!

Anyway, the nominees for the best post are:

• Free Advice and Viewer Mail!
• An Evil Dentist and John Fogerty
• It's Craptastic!
• Colon Flushing
• Jumping Bus

Vote now:

What was your favorite blog posting of the past year?

• 
  
  Free Advice and Viewer Mail!


• 
  
  An Evil Dentist and John Fogerty


• 
  
  It's Craptastic!


• 
  
  Colon Flushing


• 
  
  Jumping Bus

view results
Free vote poll

I suppose in the interest of fairness, I should also ask which one was your least favorite. The nominees are:

Andy Kaufman Trusted You!
I Sell Out to Nike
Jumping Bus
Is That a Giant Cucumber or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
This one!

Vote now:

What was your least favorite blog posting?

• 
  
  Andy Kaufman Trusted You!


• 
  
  I Sell Out to Nike


• 
  
  Jumping Bus


• 
  
  Is That a Giant Cucumber or Are You Just Happy to See Me?


• 
  
  This one!

view results
Free vote poll

That was fun. How about a couple more questions?

When did Rob Dow's World "jump the shark"?

• 
  
  The tenth "I'm not getting paid for this" joke.


• 
  
  The twentieth "millions/two/three readers" joke.


• 
  
  Once Rob started "commenting on the news".


• 
  
  Once Rob posted a jumping bus.


• 
  
  Halfway through the very first post.

view results
Free vote poll

What type of Rob's blog postings do you enjoy the best?

• 
  
  Personal


• 
  
  Political/News


• 
  
  Videos/Photos taken from other sites


• 
  
  They're all great!


• 
  
  They all suck!


• 
  
  I like to eat pencil erasers.

view results
Free vote poll

I suppose you didn't come here to fill out a survey, so that's enough questions for this posting.

This wouldn't be a celebration without some fun and dancing! Take it away, Solid Gold Dancers:












Do I know how to throw a party or what? Enjoy the rest of your night, everybody, and don't forget to tip your waitress. Drive safely and we'll see you again next year!

Rob

It's (Almost) Celebration Time!

Hello everyone!

Tomorrow is the big day! That's right, tomorrow will mark the one year anniversary of Rob Dow's World! Woo-hoo!

And to celebrate, I'm going to post all sorts of awesome things right here on this very blog! I have no idea what those things are going to be yet, but I'm sure they'll be great. You won't want to miss it! Hopefully, I don't!

In case any of you want to get the celebration started early, I already have the soundtrack for you:

Be sure to check back often as the soundtrack can and probably will change!

And I'll see y'all you three tomorrow!

Rob

Capitalism and Other Kids' Stuff

Hello everyone!

Instead of reading my 250 or so pages for my class from hell, I've spent this morning watching a series of videos a friend posted on myspace. I found the series interesting enough to repost here for the millions of three people who read this blog. Each part is slightly less than 10 minutes long (YouTube sets a limit of 9:59 for each), so the whole series clocks in at just under 50 minutes. Yes, that's a long time, but it's worth it. Besides what else do you have to do on a Saturday (or whatever day it is when you read this)? Spend 50 minutes searching for porn?

Part 1:


Part 2:


Part 3:


Part 4:


Part 5:


Rob

School Blues and Comics

Hello everyone!

I'm in the middle of my first term at U of O, and my Causes and Prevention of War class is really kicking my ass. I'm talking 250-300 pages of dry reading each week followed by a pop quiz on those readings in which I basically get 15 minutes to write three short essays, and I'm apparently expected to cite the readings by memory. My professor also loves trick questions. For the first time ever, I've had to make up flash cards to study. I guess that's what I get for thinking I can take a class taught by someone who used to teach at MIT and still have a life.

The thing is, she expects well thought out responses on the quizzes, but since there's so much information to read and absorb, I don't have time to process it. So I'm just trying to survive.

When it feels like my head is going to explode, I take a break and go to one of my favorite websites. I've been really enjoying the Non Sequitur comic these days. I thought I'd share two of my favorites with the millions three people who read my blog. You should be able to see a bigger version by clicking on them, but if it doesn't work, just pretend it does!




Rob

Is Ron Paul our Savior?

Hello everyone!

I found myself in the middle of a MySpace debate about Ron Paul. Ron Paul has been getting a whole lot of hype on "the Internets" lately, and while I agree with his some of his political stances, I think others would be disastrous, especially for poor people. I've just spent an hour and a half composing a response to one of my MySpace friends, a former inventory coworker. It was a response to a response to a response about Ron Paul, and I figured, "I spent all this time working on this, so why not post it on my blog?" It's not very funny, but hey, I'm not getting paid for this.

My first message was basically a copy and paste of a DailyKos blog posting. He responded, but in the interest of privacy, I'm not going to include his message here. Here's my response to his response, with some minor tweaking done to make it more "blog-friendly":

Hey

Thanks for the response!

Yeah, [the DailyKos article] was definitely slanted, but it was the best I could find in a moment's notice. I do agree with Ron Paul about the war and (most of) his foreign policy, pulling out of NAFTA and WTO, his being anti-Patriot Act, anti-Federal ID card, etc.

But I totally disagree with him about immigration. He basically wants to build a big wall and round up all the brown people and send them packing. He says that they're unfairly using welfare benefits at the cost of taxpayers, but most illegals pay taxes too, usually more than they should because they rarely file for a refund at the end of the year. The problem isn't the people coming over here to work--it's the corporations that hire them to exploit them. And I haven't heard a peep from Ron Paul about going after them.

He wants to deny citizenship to babies born in America if their parents are illegal. But then you'd have a bunch of kids being born that weren't citizens of any country, which would cause a big mess. If we kicked them out, what if Mexico wouldn't take them? And then when they got older, they'd be probably be perfect targets to become slave laborers or child sex slaves (which goes on all the time in "undeveloped countries" and are exploited by "developed countries") because they'd have no country's laws to protect them.

Even though he's against NAFTA and WTO, he's big on embracing domestic free market policies, which basically means let all the corporations do what ever they want by "eliminating government barriers" such as minimum wage and any safety and environmental standards. From the mid 1800s to the 1930s, we had a "free market". This meant that people were working 14-16 hours a day, children were working in factories, and people were getting hurt or killed in factories and mines all the time. And it was a boom and bust economic cycle--business would be great for a few years, then there would be a surplus of goods that nobody wanted or could afford to buy, so they'd shut down the factories and most people would be out of work. Eventually, it led to the Great Depression until FDR implemented New Deal government regulation (see "Poor People's Movements" by Frances Fox Piven and Richard A. Cloward) which led to the rise of the American middle class.

On that same note, he wants to cut taxes, which is fine for regular people like us, but he wants to cut corporate taxes, too. He thinks this will cause businesses to hire more workers. But it doesn't work that way. The amount of workers they hire has to do with how many products or services the businesses are selling, not how much tax they pay. When we worked at WIS, the amount of people in a store was based on how many people it would take to get done in time, not what the corporate headquarters in San Diego was paying in taxes. When taxes go down, the CEOs give themselves bigger bonuses, but it never "trickles down" to the working class.

I'm totally fine with the Libertarian ideology when it comes to personal rights such as legalizing drugs, letting people marry whoever they want, unregulated gun ownership (though I'm personally opposed to guns), etc. But too much of it is about letting corporations do whatever they want and property rights (the more property you own, the more rights you have). Then there's the whole "eliminate welfare and replace it with charity" idea, but most charity is affiliated with churches. And if the church doesn't agree with your beliefs, they can turn you away.

I just think that Ron Paul, while he adds something to the Republican debates that is sorely needed, is not the answer to our problems.

Anyway, I'm a Poly Sci major, so I love talking about this stuff. I have to say, I know political debates can get heated, but even if we disagree, it's never personal with me.

Thanks again for taking the time to respond. Hope things are going well on your end.

See ya around!

Rob

There ya go. I welcome any and all comments.

Rob

Is That a Giant Cucumber or Are You Just Happy to See Me?

Hello everyone!


Rob

Rob Comments on the Entertainment News!

Hello everyone!

I realize I haven't been posting very often, nor have my postings been of very good quality lately (A jumping bus--WTF? It barely got 3 inches off the ground!), but such is the life of a student. In fact, I should be working on a paper right now, although it's not due until Thursday. Don't expect much for the next 8 weeks or so, though, unless I decide to procrastinate some more. But for today, I couldn't not comment on this article.

Now normally, whenever I comment on a news article, I like to post it in its own blog, appropriately called "Rob Comments on the News". However, due to the content of this article, I felt it belonged here instead. So let's get right to it!

Sting tops list of worst lyricists

Reuters
Monday, October 8, 2007; 6:20 PM

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Maybe Sting should start writing more instrumentals.

Maybe he should just go away. He doesn't have to leave the planet--he just needs to go somewhere far away from people. He can take Phil Collins and Bryan Adams with him. They can sing that stupid Three Musketeers song somewhere appropriate--like the Ross Ice Shelf. Then the penguins would use their razor-sharp beaks to rip out their vocal cords, and the world will truly focus on stopping Global Warming if only out of sheer gratitude.

The school teacher-turned-rock star topped Blender's list of the worst lyricists, thanks to lines that betray "mountainous pomposity (and) cloying spirituality," the music magazine said.

I remember hearing a clip from an interview with Sting where he said that he and Andy Summers were on vacation in the Caribbean, but Sting couldn't enjoy himself because his girlfriend or wife or whoever left him. He said to Andy, "Look up at the sun. There a little black spot on it. It's my soul up there." Even his stories about how he came up with his pompous lyrics are pompous! There's no way in hell that happened!

Blender should also mention the repetitiveness of his lyrics. Take these "clever" lyrics from the last six minutes of the song, "Message in a Bottle":

Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
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Catchy, isn't it?

And don't get me started on the name "Sting". It's almost as bad as U2's "The Edge"!

The survey, contained in the November issue that hits newsstands next week, placed Rush drummer Neil Peart at No. 2, Creed frontman Scott Stapp at No. 3, Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher at No. 4, and soft-rocker Dan Fogelberg at No. 5.

O.k., let's look at the runners up. Rush, eh? I kinda like them musically, but I've never paid much attention to their lyrics. Let's take a looksee:

And the men who hold high places
Must be the ones to start
To mould a new reality
Closer to the heart

The blacksmith and the artist
Reflect it in their art
Forge their creativity
Closer to the heart

Philosophers and ploughmen
Each must know his part
To sow a new mentality
Closer to the heart

You can be the captain
I will draw the chart
Sailing into destiny
Closer to the heart

Now I know why I've never paid much attention to their lyrics. What a bunch of hosers!

How about Creed:

When you are with me, I'm free
I'm careless, I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice

Oh man that was bowling shoe ugly. If you want to make a sacrifice, Scott Stapp, try throwing yourself in front of a bus.

Let's try Oasis:

Wake up the dawn and ask her why
A dreamer dreams she never dies
Wipe that tear away now from your eye
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannon ball
Where were you when we were getting high?

Where was I? Stabbing my ear canals with an ice pick so I don't ever have to hear another Oasis song!

Next on the list is Dan Fogelberg:

Now you kids with your loud music and your Dan Fogelberg, your Zima, hula hoops and Pac-Man video games, don't you see? People today have attention spans that can only be measured in nanoseconds.

Awful. Let's get back to the article before I throw up all over my Toshiba Satellite A215-S4757:

Blender assailed Sting for such alleged sins as name-dropping Russian novelist Vladimir Nabokov in the Police tune "Don't Stand So Close to Me," quoting a Volvo bumper sticker ("If You Love Someone Set Them Free"), and co-opting the works of Chaucer, St. Augustine and Shakespeare.

And being a giant douche.

A spokeswoman for the English rocker, who is currently in Belgium on the Police's reunion world tour, did not respond to a request for comment.

That means he must be busy writing more. I swear, his true calling is writing for the Coldwater Creek catalogs.

Blender described Canadian rocker Peart's lyrics as "richly awful tapestries of fantasy and science," and said Gallagher "seemed incapable of following a metaphor through a single line, let alone a whole verse."
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Truer words have never been spoken.

Further down the ranks, Led Zeppelin frontman Robert Plant (No. 23) was derided for his Tolkienesque musings on Gollum and Mordor in "Ramble On."

Aa a Zeppelin fan since I was 14, I have to admit this wasn't exactly their finest moment. It's what happens when musicians take too much LSD.

It's still better than "Hot Dog", though:

I took her love at seventeen
A little late these days it seems
But they said heaven is well worth waiting for
I took her word I took it all
Beneath the sign that said "U-haul"
She left angels hangin round for more

This is what happens when musicians take too much cocaine.

Carly Simon (No. 31) was mocked for rhyming "yacht," "apricot" and "gavotte" in "You're So Vain."

What, no mention of a "dog named Spot"?

Paul McCartney made No. 38, thanks in part to "Ebony and Ivory," his socially conscious duet with Stevie Wonder.

That stupid Christmas song he did should have singlehandedly propelled him into the top ten in my book.

Reuters/Nielsen

So the lesson here is simple. Leave the lyric writing to the experts, like Leonard Cohen:

Everybody knows that the dice are loaded
Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed
Everybody knows that the war is over
Everybody knows the good guys lost

Everybody knows the fight was fixed
The poor stay poor, the rich get rich
That's how it goes
Everybody knows

Everybody knows that the boat is leaking
Everybody knows that the captain lied
Everybody got this broken feeling
Like their father or their dog just died

Everybody talking to their pockets
Everybody wants a box of chocolates
And a long stem rose
Everybody knows

Everybody knows that you love me baby
Everybody knows that you really do
Everybody knows that you've been faithful
Ah give or take a night or two

Everybody knows you've been discreet
But there were so many people you just had to meet
Without your clothes
And everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows
That's how it goes
Everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows
That's how it goes
Everybody knows

And everybody knows that it's now or never
Everybody knows that it's me or you
And everybody knows that you live forever
Ah when you've done a line or two

Everybody knows the deal is rotten
Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
For your ribbons and bows
And everybody knows

And everybody knows that the Plague is coming
Everybody knows that it's moving fast
Everybody knows that the naked man and woman
Are just a shining artifact of the past

Everybody knows the scene is dead
But there's gonna be a meter on your bed
That will disclose
What everybody knows

And everybody knows that you're in trouble
Everybody knows what you've been through
From the bloody cross on top of Calvary
To the beach of Malibu

Everybody knows it's coming apart
Take one last look at this Sacred Heart
Before it blows
And everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows
That's how it goes
Everybody knows

Rob