Friday, March 30, 2007

New Photo Caption Contest

Hello everyone!

Well, it's that time again--photo caption contest time!

Without any further ado, let's get to the photo:

Again, for the benefit of the visually impaired (I'm not sure how you got this far anyway), it's a shot of Nancy Pelosi with a smirk on her face and an enormous pearl necklace (not that kind of pearl necklace, pervert!) leaning over behind President Bush who has his normal dumbfounded, deer-in-the-headlights look on his face and is wearing a pair of silly-looking crooked old-timey reading glasses.

So this is where you, the viewer, get to be involved! Yes, this is a fully interactive blog! Anyway, what you do is look at the above photo, think about it for at least a few seconds, then compose a witty, side splitting caption for it under the comments section at the bottom of this posting. Come on, it's fun! Watch, I'll give it a shot:

She's turning the House into a home...hers! George W. Bush and Nancy Pelosi star in Housesitter 2!

Come on, the photo does have that movie poster look, don't you think? The looks on each of their faces are identical to the ones here:

Yeah, well, maybe the world isn't ready for a Housesitter sequel just yet despite the original having the best line in any movie:

What do you say, Gwen? Gwhen do you get off and gwhere can we gwo?

Anyway, send in those captions!


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Thursday, March 29, 2007

Sad Kermit: Hurt

Hello everyone!

Here's a video detailing the fall of Kermit the Frog. Viewer discretion is advised.


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Wednesday, March 28, 2007


Hello everyone!

Well, we made it back from our little road trip, and I must admit, it was lots of fun. We drove to Reno and stayed at the fabulous Atlantis Hotel and Casino. Now, most people who know us know that we're not gamblers by any stretch. But the whole point of going to Reno was that it was on the way to Tahoe, and, the last time I was there, the rooms were cheap. Unfortunately, it turns out the rooms are only cheap on weekdays, and we were there on a Friday night. But we stayed there anyway, and the room was gaudily extravagant, and it was all amusing to us.

We then decided to go to the fancy schmancy MonteVigna Italian Ristoranté for dinner. Our waiter was this guy in his mid 20s, and it was pretty clear he was used to serving pretentious snobs who think they're some sort of VIP just because they decided to go to Reno for their one week of vacation per year because they can't afford Vegas. Where was I? Oh yeah, after I gave our waiter crap because he showed me the wine bottle before opening it ("Hey, I'm just doing my job," says he), he loosened up and the three of us were able to relax. He even started to flip me crap right back, though he was hesitant about it. The guy who kept bringing us bread was as stiff as a board the whole time, though.

But I've gotta say, the food was fantastic. And even though we may have to eat nothing but ramen and cup-o-noodles for a month to make up for the cost, that one meal was worth it.

Then I played a few slot machines. I really didn't want to, but I kept feeling obligated since we were in a casino. Within 10 minutes, I had lost $40. We figured that they had gotten enough of our money, and we headed to our room to watch good old TV. Casinos hate it when you do that! It turns out they even have ways for you to gamble over your cable TV. The greedy bastards!

The next day we went to Lake Tahoe. In many ways, it looks a lot like Lake Pend Oreille in Sandpoint, Idaho where I lived for eight years. Here's me at Tahoe:

And here are a bunch of seagulls at Pend Oreille:

Here are the famous Emerald Bay and Fannette Island in Tahoe:

And here are a not-so-famous bay and a bunch of not-so-famous islands in Pend Oreille:

Regardless, both lakes are cool. No, I mean it. They're not just cool, they're both friggin' cold. I know because I've been in both. I didn't go in Tahoe this time (come on, it's March!), and I haven't been in it since I was a little kid, but I still remember it being butt-cold. There are some experiences that you have as a kid that are impossible to forget. The first time you feel your testicles in the back of your throat is one of them.

However, if there's one thing Tahoe has that Pend Oreille doesn't, it's gotta be its huge cones:

Look at that pair! They're enormous, I tells ya!

After Tahoe, we headed south through the California Mother Lode area. This is the area where all the gold miners came during the gold rush. There are a bunch of "quaint" little tourist towns and rolling hills through here. It's kinda cool, actually:

The yellow things on the hillside are California Poppies. The only reason I know that is because Cathy said so.

We followed the Gold Country Highway, State Highway 49. Get it, 49? Like the 49ers! No, not the football team, moron. I'm talking about the people the football team was named after. You know, the 49ers? No, not the 69ers. Never mind.

Here's another picture:

We spent the evening in Sonora, one of my favorite stops during my inventory days. We didn't quite make it to the Iron Horse Saloon, however. For some reason, I wasn't craving warm pitchers of Budweiser and an upside down pub table in the middle of the pool table. If at least one reader gets that reference, I'll be a happy camper!

The next day, we went to Yosemite. If you haven't been, you should. Everyone has seen pictures, but they just don't do it justice. I'm still going to show ours, though:

That's Bridal Veil. Here's a much closer shot:

We were getting drenched while I took that picture. Cathy had to take off her glasses because they were soaked from all the mist!

Here's El Capitan. If you look closely, you can see some small dots at the top of the cliff. Those are actually very large trees. What I'm trying to say is that El Capitan is friggin' gargantuan! No wonder it takes climbers a few days to reach the top. Speaking of which, if you look at where I'm pointing and squint just right, you might see David Lee Roth still up there wiggling his hips and singing "Just Like Paradise". Sorry Dave, you're no longer cool.

Next we went to Yosemite Falls. In case you have trouble seeing the falls in the photo, I've helpfully pointed to where the upper falls is:

And here it is without me in the way:

Now, I know it's not that impressive looking. But take a look at this photo of the lower part of the falls:

See the red, white, and blue spots? Those are people--patriotic ones, apparently. What I'm saying is that the falls is enormous. I mean, ENORMOUS!

Here's another shot of the upper falls from farther away:

This rock is called "Half Dome". Cathy helpfully pointed out that "Dome" is in fact one word, and it's not called "Half Do Me". Regardless, we have no idea why they decided to name it that. Here it is, and notice the trees along the ridge to the right:

Later, Half Dome fell over on an old lady, and I single handedly lifted it off her. Man, it was heavy. Luckily, Cathy was there to take a photo:

That was quite the workout!

Next we started to head back. We spent the night in Jackson, another favorite town from the inventory days not far from Sonora. The next day we headed toward the Coast and up Highway 101 through the Redwoods staying in Eureka. We don't have any pictures of this part of the trip because the camera's memory stick was full. We even stopped by a Target to buy a new one, but the punk ass kid who worked behind the counter got all high and mighty and arrogantly told us that our camera model is obsolete and Target doesn't carry that type of memory card anymore. You know what, my camera might be obsolete, but at least I don't work at Target!

Look, there's nothing wrong with working at Target, or any corporate retail chain for that matter. It's a crappy job, and sometimes you've just got to take a crappy job. But just because your crappy job allows you to gain some essentially useless tidbit of information that I don't have, it doesn't mean you're better than me, nor does it mean you have the right to act like you are. Yes, I realize your job is degrading and humiliating, but you're certainly not the only one with a degrading and humiliating job, buddy!

Where was I? Oh yes, our wonderful, relaxing vacation. Eureka is a cool town. I could see us living there some day. We went to the Lost Coast Brewery for dinner, and it was the antithesis of our Reno dinner in terms of formality. But it was fantastic. I had the Downtown Brown. And some food, too.

The next day, we leisurely worked our way up the coast through more Redwoods and back into Oregon and eventually home to our spoiled little cat who left us a nice, yellow, liquid present on our bathroom floor. Ah, home sweet home.

Well, I hope you enjoyed reading about our vacation as much as we enjoyed taking it, though I know that's impossible. Until next time!


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Wednesday, March 21, 2007

A Laugh Riot Tupperware Party

Hello everyone!

Fun fact: "Jamba" means "fart" in Swahili. Think about that the next time you order a Jamba Juice.

The "Foe Toe Contest" went fairly well. Since I posted it both on my real blog and on my MySpace blog, there were submissions on both. That means if you've only been to one of the sites, you should see the other, or you might miss out on some fantastically brilliant photo caption submissions. There haven't been any new submissions on either site in a while, so I guess I better pick some "winners".

On my real blog, there was this one:
"Hello. I'm going door to door spreading the word of me."
Of course, whoever posted this one didn't leave his/her name, so I'll have to keep the prize to myself.

On the MySpace blog, I liked:
"Sorry France...I know you don't like the war on terror...but I have been waiting over 2,000 years for armageddon. I'm afraid you'll have to stop complaining."
And points for creatively acknowledging the point of view of the people inside the building goes to:
"I sure hope that isn't a Jehovah Witness at the door"
Congratulations to Jeremy and Laurie, respectively, for those two. You two each win an all expenses paid trip to Fallujah.

Actually, all the submissions were really, really good. I'm glad I know so many creative people. It makes my job that much easier, although picking the "winners" was tough. Basically, it just came down to this: "Which comment made the most beer come out of my nose from laughing?" Yes, the scientific approach.

Don't forget, there's one more contest still going.

My finals are finally done. Yay, Spring Break is here! This term was the toughest I've had in the three-plus years I've been in college, and I'm still at a community college (I'm a scenic route kind of guy). It's only going to get worse this fall when I finally go to the university. I'm not talking about the workload--I'm talking about all the annoying dorm-living, frat-pledging, trust-fund-spending, binge-drinking, spoiled, clueless, Young-Republican-wannabe, 18-22 year-olds I'm going to have to deal with for the next two years. Sure, LCC has a few of those too, but they're the ones who flunked out of the U of O!

Oh, I'm just kidding--it won't be that bad. Besides, I probably won't be involved in a million projects, issues, councils, or jobs there like I am at Lane. Speaking of issues, I offhandedly referred to one in another posting. Here's the scoop in the form of an open letter that we, Your ASLCC Student Government, put together:

An open letter to the LCC Board of Education, President Mary Spilde, and LCC students:

Lane Community College has contracted with Iowa-based MetaBank to issue debit cards to students beginning this summer instead of financial aid checks or offering a direct deposit option.

MetaBank is not charging the college anything for this service. This is because LCC students will have to foot the bill through outrageous fees, including $1 per ATM withdrawal (plus the ATM fee) with a $200 daily limit, $3 per monthly paper statement, and $3 per call to talk to a customer service rep, and a $5 monthly fee after 6 months of inactivity.

Also, it will cost $5 for a duplicate card, $15 for a replacement card, and $25 per overdraft.

In the event of a disputed charge, there is a $25 processing fee for each dispute, and students can only dispute credit charges, not debit ones.

LCC is calling this a voluntary system, but the method for opting out is unclear at best.

Due to the budget crisis, LCC students are facing a $3.50 per credit tuition hike for next year, textbook prices have been skyrocketing, student services have been slashed, and there is talk about eliminating entire departments. Now this bank wants a share of money that students likely had to borrow in the first place. Haven’t we paid enough for our education?

Contact LCC at (541) 463-3100,, or and tell them to abandon this foolhardy plan and institute direct deposit.

ASLCC Student Government
Isn't that great? It's not enough that most students end up going tens of thousands of dollars in debt just to get a degree, but now this bank wants to get a piece of the action, too. This is the same reason you only see title loan and check cashing places in poor neighborhoods--because the poorest and most vulnerable people are always the ones who get targeted the hardest. If it's not students, then it's the elderly, the working-class, or simply the desperate.

Worse yet, LCC instigated this, and most of the students don't know much about it. The college is going through a big budget crisis, so they're doing this to save a few bucks on printing and mailing checks. Great, the college is saving money, but what about students?

"What about 'em?"

So the next ten weeks or so should be pretty interesting. We're going to be fighting for them to get rid of this and institute direct deposit. We've already had a few meetings with college V.P.s and some of us spoke to the Board of Education. The next step is to inform the students and encourage them to get involved, write letters, talk to college officials, organize demonstrations, sit-ins, riots, violence, getting arrested, etc.

Note: The preceding sentence was the author's pitiful attempt at humor. He would like to make it perfectly clear that he is not encouraging, nor condoning, nor wishing to be involved whatsoever in any sort of rioting or violence, nor encouraging breaking or even thinking about breaking any federal, state, or local ordinances. He was simply reacting to the tone of the first meeting with the LCC administration in which there were copious amounts of yelling, as well as snide, sarcastic, juvenile comments being thrown around, especially on the part of one particular LCC administrator. So to sum up, yelling=good, rioting=bad. Make love not war. Hugs not drugs.

I hate being interrupted. Anyway, Cathy and I are taking a week or so and heading to Tahoe and Yosemite. After that it's back to dealing with this crap. Such is life. I could just say "screw it, I won't be there by the time it goes into effect," but that's just not my style.

I'll probably post some photos from the trip when we get back. And take note tweekers: we have a bad-ass house-sitter lined up, and she'll kick your ass faster than you can say "crank craters" if you try breaking in and stealing our scrap metal. You've been warned.

Well, it looks like it's time for me to step off my soapbox again. Thanks for listening.


Tuesday, March 13, 2007


Hello everyone!

Take a look at this:

It's no wonder the people of my generation are so screwed up.


Sunday, March 11, 2007

Surf's Up, Dude!

Hello everyone!

This warm weather spell has got me pining for summer. Why can't every day be like a Beach Boys video? Without all the crappy music, of course:

Tandem surfing. Now I've seen everything. And here I thought guitar surfing was tough:

What's next? I'd like to see orthopedic surgery surfing, myself. Maybe air traffic control surfing. I'd say butthole surfing, but I'm sure it's already been done.

What type of surfing would you like to see? Let me know!


It's Craptastic!

Hello everyone!

I've never attempted to write a movie review before. To be honest, it's never seemed important to me to do so. I like movies, but I'm not terribly interested in reading what someone else thought about them. The movie reviews section is usually not the first section of a newspaper that I go to. In fact, only when I have nothing better to do and all I have to entertain me is the newspaper, and all that's left is movie reviews, sports, and the home and garden section, only then do I even read any movie reviews. And that's only after I've finished counting ceiling tiles.

But last night, I watched one movie that has inspired me to write a review. Not because it was good, but because it was the single most disappointing crapfest I've ever had the displeasure of seeing. I'm talking, of course, about this steaming pile of turd:

I really wanted to like this movie. I enjoyed "Get Shorty", the precursor, and this sequel was loaded with actors I enjoy. So I figured, can't miss, right?


Right from the get go, it's clear that this movie is going to be horrendous. They don't even try to hide it either. Chili Palmer (John Travolta) is now a big movie producer. He's driving around with his friend Tommy (James Woods) in the first of many not so subtle Pulp Fiction rip-offs, while complaining about how he regretted making a bad sequel, in this case "Get Lost" which followed "Get Leo". They were obviously trying to go for a hip and edgy self-reference, but instead they basically admitted to the audience how much the movie was going to suck. Tongue in cheek? More like tongue in rectum.

Oh, and get this. Travolta's long time buddy gets gunned down, but then Travolta starts banging his wife (Uma Thurman) within a week. It would have been sooner, but the bad guys interrupted the first kiss. At least wait until after the funeral! The body is still warm for crying out loud!

Basically, Travolta decides he wants out of the movie business because it's too corporate, so he decides to go into the music business? ¿Qué? Wha-wha-what? Is this guy suddenly so stupid that he thinks the music industry is not corporate? What a maroon!

Coincidently, his buddy's widow owns a small, indie record label. So Travolta meets this tired cliché of a beautiful, young, struggling singer (Christina Milian), AKA "Miss Meal Ticket" who has "tons of talent" and just needs a chance. Now, I won't comment on her talent because having talent isn't necessarily a requirement to be in the music business, nor to star in a movie.

But the problem is Travolta uses his connections so he can get tickets to a Laker's game at the Staples Center and sit next to Steven Tyler (Steven Tyler) and get his girlfriend who used to do Aerosmith's laundry to convince Tyler to listen to the singer's demo and then to let her open for Aerosmith and sing a duet with him the next night at the same Staples Center. It's okay if you have to read that sentence again--I'll wait.

Travolta also uses his connections to convince "the best music video director in town" (Seth Green) to direct her video. Then he teams up with some big-shot R&B record producer (Cedric the Entertainer) who had previously been after Travolta to pay the money Travolta's buddy owed before he was killed by the Russian Mob, whom he also owed money to.

So what part of the above screams "not corporate"? The same part that screams "convoluted"? I guess they had to find some way to work in the tons of product placement in the film.

Also, the singer is under contract to the "totally original" character of a white guy who thinks he's black (Vince Vaughn) and his boss (Harvey Keitel), a huge, rich record label owner. Vaughn's character was identical to the pimp he played a few years prior during a Saturday Night Live skit. That character was old and tired before the skit was over--a skit that was better written than this movie. Anyway, Vaughn treats the girl like crap (because that's apparently what black people do) and has her singing in the Viper Room for next to no money, before Travolta rescues her, drawing the ire of Vaughn, blah, blah, blah.

But here's the thing, if this girl is so talented and marketable, why would the bad guys have her singing for a few dozen people? They're big, rich record company types, you'd think they'd want to exploit her, right? No, that's apparently Travolta's job.

When they're finally done with this poor girl, her big hit song sounds just like 1000 other over-produced, "corporate R&B", crap nuggets that you can hear on any radio station or on MTV if it's one of the two hours a week when they actually play videos.

Not only is this one of the stupidest, most convoluted, and highly improbable storylines ever, but that acting is atrocious, especially considering who was in it. John Travolta is clearly there to pick up a paycheck. Uma Thurman was only there so she and Travolta could dance together again. Vince Vaughn was funny for the first minute or so. Harvey Keitel gave his blandest performance ever. I mean, it's not like his role had much of a character to work with, but still. But I couldn't care less about any of them in this film.

Cedric the Entertainer did okay, considering how one-dimensional his character was. He had one good scene where he goes off on this wonderful rant about how black people come up with all the great ideas and then white people steal them. Normally, this would kick ten different types of ass, but he's saying this to a Russian guy. I don't mean a guy of Russian descent, I'm talking about a Russian mob guy who barely spoke English and had only been in the states for a few months. If he had gone off on Vince Vaughn, it would have made some sense. But the worst thing is that the movie was not about race relations!!! Racism was never even touched on throughout the film except very indirectly with Vaughn, so this came completely out of the blue.

I must admit, The Rock did a good job as Vaughn's gay bodyguard. I'm not just saying that because I'm a pro wrestling fan. But the reason I say "gay" bodyguard, is because that's how he's referred to throughout the whole movie. Of course, no stereotypical gay character would be complete without being overly effeminate because apparently that's how all gay men are, or at least big, gay Samoan/African American bodyguards. Still, The Rock manages to somehow pull it off. But it's sad when he's the best actor in a movie with Keitel, Thurman, Travolta, Woods, and Vaughn.

And don't even get me started on what a douche Steven Tyler was. WORST ACTING EVER!!! Also, the irony of him being in a movie called "Be Cool" is, well, pretty ironic. The guy was briefly cool during the 70s, but that was because he had done so much heroin, it was cool that he was able to still function. Since Aerosmith sobered up, they've stooped lower and lower to whore themselves out to whomever will pay. The worst part is that he quasi-ironically says that he hates it when rock stars think they can act. I hate it when rock stars think they're still relevant.

All in all, it was the biggest waste of 2 hours and $2.50 I've ever experienced. It's not even bad in a "so bad it's good" way, but just "so bad, it's painful". The only reason I kept watching for the full two hours was because I was morbidly fascinated by it like people who slow down to look at a car crash, and also because it kept dumbing me down in an almost hypnotic manner with its inanity that I didn't have the strength nor the will to get up and turn it off. Strangely enough, I was able to get up and get several beers which were needed to dull my senses against the atrocity taking place on my TV. In fact, I doubt that my TV and DVD player will be the same anymore. I know I won't.


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Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Foe Toe Contest

Hello everyone!

Okay, so I'm not a good friend. I can admit that. But what I can't admit is that I'm a rash decision maker- because I'm not! No, I take the time to consider all options before making a decision. I'm thoughtful!!! Either that or lazy. My vote is for "thoughtful"!

You're probably asking, "What the hell is he talking about?" Well, a few weeks ago, a friend sent me this photo for a "caption contest" and I'm finally getting around to posting it. I think he already had something in mind for a caption, but wanted to win an award for it. Basically, he wanted me to create a contest so he could win it. That's good enough for my blog!

Here's the picture:

For the benefit of the visually impaired, it appears to be Jesus of Nazareth, who has returned but has been stricken with Acromegaly. He has also turned into a bit of a Peeping Tom. On this day, he's apparently trying to take a look-see into the offices of the United Nations or some other building where they have a lot of flags out front. Also, the cars seem to indicate this picture was taken sometime during the 1960s, and it looks like there's about to be a nasty thunderstorm.

There you go--you've got your work cut out for you. I suppose I should start this contest with a caption of my own. Here goes:

"Pardon me, but do you have any Grey Poupon?"

What, you think you can do better? Then send it in! The winner gets... the winner gets... hmm... the winner gets a prestigious mention in a future posting on this blog!


Tuesday, March 06, 2007

I'm Rich! I'm Rich! Yay! (Part 5)

Hello everyone!

It's been a while since my last post, I know. School has been a bit of a bitch these past couple weeks. Also, I've found myself in the middle of a potentially big political brawl at school. I'm not in trouble and I didn't do anything wrong, but let's just say things might be very interesting for me for the next few months. Once I know all the details, I'll update all both my readers here on the blog. Ooh, the plot thickens!

Anyway, I got another email. Tenacious, isn't he? In case you have no idea what I'm talking about, here's Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4. Well, let's get right to the email, posthaste:

Dear Friend,

I'm happy to inform you about my success in getting those funds transferred under the cooperation of a new partner from paraguay. Presently i'm in Paraguay for investment projects with my own share of the total sum. meanwhile,i didn't forget your past efforts and attempts to assist me in transferring those funds despite that it failed us some how.

Now contact my secretary, her name is Dr Mary Okonma, contact her on her email address {} ask her to send to you the total sum of $3,000,000 which i kept for your compensation for all the past efforts and attempts to assist me in this matter. I appreciated your efforts at that time very much. so feel free and get in touched with my secretary and instruct her where to send the amount to you.

Please do let me know immediately you receive it so that we can share the joy after all the sufferness at that time. in the moment, i am very busy here because of the investment projects which me and the new partner are having at hand, finally, remember that I had forwarded instruction to my secretary on your behalf to receive that money, so feel free to get in touch with Dr Mary Okonma, she will send the amount to you without any delay.

With Best Regards,
Barr. Thomas Cole.
Wait a minute, when did 50% of $28.5 million become $3 million? I mean, I've only taken Math 111, so I'm not exactly a mathematician, but it seems like my share should be higher. I guess I'll have to contact "Dr (Mrs) Mary Okonma" and straighten this out.

And I have no idea what "we can share the joy after all the sufferness at that time" is supposed to mean.

So of course I had to respond:

Dear Mr. Cole and/or Dr. Okanma,

Please send me my money. Send it here:

R. Dow
Lane Community College
4000 E. 30th Ave.
Eugene, OR, USA 97405

Cash (U.S. dollars) is preferable, but American Express travelers checks will do, too. Hurry up, because I've spent most of it already, and I'm running out of fingers for the mob bosses to cut off.

Best regards,
R. Dow
So there you have it. Either I'm rich or I'm not.