Sunday, October 28, 2007

Rob Dow's World One Year Anniversary Spectacular Special Extravaganza!

Before we get started, I'd like to take a moment to acknowledge the asshole driving the big, loud, piece-of-shit pickup truck that ran over the gray squirrel in front of our house this morning.

I'm sure he doesn't read my blog because I doubt he knows how to read, and I'm sure he doesn't realize that there's more to the Internet than bestiality porn. But still, I have time to do acknowledge him now since I won't have to worry about looking out my window at the funny squirrel, the only gray one in our neighborhood, that bounded instead of walking, no doubt because of most of its tail was gone (possibly because of our cat), and so it didn't have much of a balance. I'll also no longer have to worry about spending my time being amused while watching it gather acorns from under our oak tree and bury them in the neighbor's yard across the street. Thanks for freeing up my schedule so I can concentrate on fun things like doing homework and organizing my sock drawer.

I suppose I should also acknowledge the asshole's superior driving skills--the way he gunned the accelerator, swerved to the other side of the street, and timed things just right so his truck's enormously huge tires (which are clearly his way of overcompensating for the smallness of something else) could squash the squirrel right while I was watching it out the window. But instead, I'll just call him an asshole again. Asshole! Thanks for making my wife cry! And thanks for starting what should have been a fun-filled blog posting on a sour note. Again, I say to you: Asshole!

I feel slightly better now...

Hello everyone!

Here it is, the moment we've all been waiting for,

The Rob Dow's World One Year Anniversary Spectacular Special Extravaganza!

And what milestone celebration would be complete without a trip down Memory Lane? Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome tonight's emcee, coming to you in a very special font style and color, Mr. Wink Martindale!
Thank you, thank you. Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Rob Dow's World One Year Anniversary Spectacular Special Extravaganza! It's going to be a very special night, indeed! Tonight, we'll be reliving the highlights of the past year! We'll be voting on the best and worst of the past year! There'll be thrill, chills, and spills! There might even be a few surprises along the way! So come one, come all! Roll up, roll up, step right this way! Fasten your seatbelts--we're in for a bumpy ride! Make some popcorn, wake up the kids, and keep your eyes glued to the screen! Call your family and friends and tell them...
Wink, if you keep hyping this post too much, it'll never be able to live up to the expectations.
Well, excuuuse me! It's not my fault this blog isn't quite at the Tic-Tac-Dough level, is it? Maybe if your blog wasn't so third-rate, I wouldn't have to hype it so much, and then you'd be able to spring for some decent scotch backstage instead of Potter's Bourbon!
Backstage? What are you talking about? There's no stage, let alone a backstage. You know, I've had just about enough from you, Wink. I swear, one more comment like that and I won't pay you the $34 we agreed on.
Well, in that case...

*Ahem* Ladies and Gentlemen, let's take a look back at the highlights of the past year, shall we?

Rob Dow's World had its humble beginnings just one short year ago, October 28, 2006. From Rob's first posting, you can see how, despite the fact that he hadn't yet gotten the hang of HTML, there was potential there. Some would argue that these were the glory days of the blog, a time when Rob had to rely entirely on his prose instead of just hyperlinking to other sites, posting photos and YouTube videos, or using fancy colored fonts and other techno-gimmickry to try to make his posts entertaining.

But unfortunately, the glory days didn't last long. By the fifth posting, Rob was so desperate for material that he actually posted one of his class assignments. Then he decided it would be a good idea to test out his photo posting skills with a series of photos of Kramer from Seinfeld. Unfortunately, unknown to Rob, this was just after the Michael Richards racist rant scandal. Oops.

This bit of humility apparently did Rob some good as he somewhat rebounded with two solid posts. The first one, while not a very original concept, saw him responding to reader mail, and he earned praise from the critics. By critics I mean the one or two people who commented on it. The second post was a rambling, pointless rant about whether to say "Happy Holidays" or "Merry Christmas", but it did earn him his first (and so far only) comment from someone who wasn't either a friend or relative.

Oh, but then he decided to take three weeks off before returning with a whiny post about going to the dentist. Grow up, Rob. Do you have any idea what I go through? I've been getting these pearly whites bleached and shellacked every other week since 1973, and you don't hear me bitching, do you?

Anyway, things kept going downhill with a copy and paste quote from Carl Sagen of all people. The copy and paste theme became more and more prevalent as Rob got lazier and lazier.

Then Rob did his multi-part series about the Nigerian rich uncle scam. Sure there were a few laughs, but where was the resolution? You emailed back and forth a few times, and then what? Nothing! It was never even mentioned again! Did he think nobody would notice? It was just like on Roseanne when they replaced Becky with a different Becky!
In my defense, Wink, by the fourth or fifth posting, the joke had gotten pretty old and stale.
Well, speaking of getting old and stale, the blog "jumped the shark" once Rob figured how to post YouTube videos. Anyone can do that! How about some originality! What a jerk!

It got worse. He then tried to have photo caption contests, apparently thinking that he can make his readers do all the work for him. A word of advice: you've got to have more than three readers if you want them do your job for you. And what is the deal with crossing out words that reference the number of your readers and replacing it with "two" or "three"? Self-deprecating humor gets old quickly. What's next, a whole column devoted to it?

Things started looking up when Rob posted blogs devoted to his travels and vacations and such. Unfortunately, he doesn't go anywhere most of the time.

Then he got the bright idea to start a whole other blog where he copies news articles and comments on them, apparently thinking he was some sort of anti-journalist. He can't do one blog--what makes him think he can do two? I guess he can't--it's been over two months since he posted on Rob Comments on the News.

I do have to admit, Rob really hits his stride when he talks about something he knows best, like colons or Larry Craig bathroom sex. But sometimes he can be a bit weird, like the Peter Bonerz post, or even a bit creepy, like the giant cucumber posting. The look on his face in the photo. Good lord!

Some of them were just dumb. A jumping bus? Ladies and Gentlemen, this is why you shouldn't
blog while sniffing glue!

With a year of ups and downs like that, who knows what to expect in the coming year? If you're smart, you won't put too much thought into it. I know Rob doesn't put too much thought into his blog postings. But I guess that's okay since he's "not getting paid for this".

I, however, am. Now Rob, if you'll be kind enough to hand over the $64 we agreed on, I'll be on my way. I've got to get down to Fresno for a car dealership opening.
Actually, it was $34. Nice try, though.

Thank you, Wink, for that wonderful trip down Memory Lane. Actually, it seemed more like a celebrity roast to me. Good thing I'm not a celebrity!

Annual awards!

Here's where you, the millions three of my readers, get to vote for your favorites! I've never made an online poll before, so if these don't work, well, I'm not getting paid for this.

Sweet, two of the oldest jokes in one paragraph!

Anyway, the nominees for the best post are:
Vote now:

I suppose in the interest of fairness, I should also ask which one was your least favorite. The nominees are:

Andy Kaufman Trusted You!
I Sell Out to Nike
Jumping Bus
Is That a Giant Cucumber or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
This one!

Vote now:

That was fun. How about a couple more questions?

I suppose you didn't come here to fill out a survey, so that's enough questions for this posting.

This wouldn't be a celebration without some fun and dancing! Take it away, Solid Gold Dancers:

MySpace Funny Pictures
MySpace Funny Pictures
MySpace Funny Pictures
MySpace Funny Pictures
MySpace Funny Pictures
MySpace Funny Pictures
MySpace Funny Pictures
MySpace Funny Pictures
MySpace Funny Pictures
MySpace Funny Pictures

Do I know how to throw a party or what? Enjoy the rest of your night, everybody, and don't forget to tip your waitress. Drive safely and we'll see you again next year!




Anonymous Greg said...

Hey you're up to four whole votes now. Be sure to update your self-pity counter in future postings. Why did I have to vote for one of those specific five? Did I miss the primary? I wanted to vote for the Kramer incident (CLASSIC bad timing), but NO, I havd to vote for Craptastic. It seemed appropriate.
I would also like to take this public opportunity to announce my retirement from the NFL, NBA, and NHL.

8:26 PM, October 31, 2007  
Blogger Rob said...

Hello Greg!

I would've liked to have had a write-in category, but the poll host site wouldn't allow it. You didn't "havd" to vote for Craptastic, but thanks for doing so.

You're retiring? I didn't know you played pro sports. Or are you retiring from watching pro sports? Or are those acronyms not pro sports organizations but something else, such as National Federation of Losers, North Boise Accountants, or Nationwide Hockers of Loogies? Because if that NHL has an opening, I'm so there.

If it were me, I would've chosen a different forum to announce my retirement. But I'm sure the four people who read my blog are excited. And since you're one of them, I guess it's actually three people. And since I'm not excited, make that two people.

9:05 PM, October 31, 2007  
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