Saturday, February 24, 2007

Mystery Solved

Okay, maybe I should have done some more research before my last post:

sked [sked]
–noun Informal.
an airline that maintains a regular schedule of flights.
[Origin: 1925–30, in sense “schedule”; by shortening and resp.] Unabridged (v 1.1)
Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006.

But still, "sked" shows up as a misspelling on my spell-check, so it can't be a real word, right? And I looked up "skedded" at the same site, and there is nothing. Also, I thought only verbs could end with "-ed", not nouns. What the hell is wrong with this world?

I'm such a word nerd.


Hey Baby, Ever Been "Skedded"?

I just finished reading this story:

Cheney's plane safely lands in Singapore: embassy
6 minutes ago

SINGAPORE (Reuters) - The plane carrying Vice President Dick Cheney from Australia to the United States landed safely in Singapore on Sunday, after encountering a mechanical problem, a United States embassy spokeswoman said.

"It's landed," the spokeswoman said, speaking from Singapore's Paya Lebar air base, a military airport in the eastern part of the island. "The vice president is skedded to remain on the plane. He is skedded to leave as soon as the refueling is completed."

What the hell is "skedded"? Is that some new sexual slang the kids are talking about these days?

Sheesh, I thought the list of mispronounced words in my last posting were bad, but suddenly they seem normal. I wonder, though, if this spokeswoman actually said "skedded" and some smart ass reporter decided to leave it that way, or if the reporter doesn't know how to spell "scheduled". I'm thinking 50/50 odds.

Well folks, I think I'll sked on out of here. I've got some skedding to do.


Sunday, February 18, 2007

It's Rob's Turn to Bitch, Bitch!

Hello everyone!

People are always asking me about what it's like to blog. In fact, just the other day, I was walking down the street minding my own business when some guy recognized me and said he was a loyal reader and asked if he could have my autograph. After informing him that my contract stipulates that all autographs must go through my agent, he asked me, "Say, Rob, what's the best part about having your own blog? Is it the money? The fame? The chicks?"

Now, while those things might seem like fun to a non-blogger, I can tell you that they're really overrated.

No, the best part about having a blog is the power! I have my own forum to bitch and criticize other people, thereby asserting my own superiority! Watch, I'll prove it:

An Important Lesson About Word Pronunciation:

The following are not words:
  • "Lie-berry" as in "I borrowed this book from the lie-berry." It's cute when a four-year-old says "Lie-berry", but it's sad when a 34-year-old does.

  • "Sim-you-ler" as in "Your new car is very sim-you-ler to mine." The proper response here is "Yes, it is sim-me-ler."

  • "Drownded" as in "I almost drownded last summer." I wish you had.

  • "Supposably" as in "Supposably, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting back together." Supposably, you graduated from middle school.

  • "Twunny" as in "Can I borrow twunny bucks?" The same goes for "plunny": "No, you can't borrow twunny. You've already borrowed plunny from me." I have to admit, I'm as guilty as anyone else on this one. But that's because in certain parts of town, I'd get beaten up for saying "twen-tee" or "plen-tee". Stupid rednecks.

  • "Foilage" as in "Oooh, I think I'll go outside and look at the lovely foilage." While you're at it, stay outside. Enjoy the Reynolds Wrap bush!

  • "Interpretate" and "Orientate" as in "We have to interpretate what this map says in order to orientate ourselves." I'd like to punchatate you in the facetate.

  • "Acrost" as in "I live acrost the street from you." No, I live on Oak Street, and you live on Ignoramus Avenue.

  • "Sherbert" as in "Rainbow Sherbert is my favorite ice cream." See above and replace "lie-berry" with "sherbert".

  • "Spaded" as in "I had my dog spaded." I hope you had yourself spaded, too, because you shouldn't be allowed to reproduce.

  • "Ashphalt" as in "The ashphalt is hot on my bare feet." True story: a former coworker teased me because I pronounced it "ass-fault". The only thing worse than an idiot is an oblivious idiot.

  • "Perscription" as in "I need to get my perscription filled." I hope it's a perscription for cyanide.

  • "Nuke-you-ler" as in "Saddam is developing nuke-you-ler weapons." You'd think the being in charge of the largest nuke-you-ler weapon stockpile in the world would be a good enough reason for the President to at least pronounce the word correctly, but you'd be wrong.
The word "party" is not a verb. Neither is "club" or "pub", although going pubbing is a lot of fun.

There is no such thing as a mute point. What is that, a point that can't talk? A point about Helen Keller?

If Indians were attacking, it probably wouldn't do much good to "send in the calvary," but it might be fun to go to the First Cavalry Church.

Hey Dumbasses:

Some words begin with the letters "Es", while others begin with "Ex". Learn the difference. For example, saying, "I love to drink expresso in this extablishment, expecially while reading Exquire magazine, excaping on an excalator, or expousing the benefits of driving a Ford Excort to an Exkimo," would not make you sound smart and sophisticated, it would make you sound like an idiot trying to sound smart and sophisticated.

Can you tell I'm a writing and grammar tutor?

Anyway, I feel much better now that I've gotten that off my chest. Here are some other things I've been thinking about lately:
  • I saw a commercial that said Miller Lite has won more awards at "The World Beer Cup" than any other beer. They forgot to mention that it was "The World Beer Cup sponsored by Miller Lite" and they have categories like American-Style Low-Carbohydrate Light Lager. Well, at least the second part is true.

  • You can be overwhelmed or underwhelmed, but can you be whelmed?

  • I think the problem many people have with accepting evolution is that if we as a species are in the process of evolving and changing, that means we're not "perfect". If we're so perfect, why do we have to use toilet paper? Think about it.

  • How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? About two cords.

  • I've been disgruntled before, but never gruntled. At least not that I know of.
On that note, this posting is starting to whelm and gruntle me, so I think I'll call it a day.


Friday, February 16, 2007

Andy Kaufman Trusted You!

This is the single greatest piece of music ever created:

Andy Kaufman was a genius. Also, don't miss the special appearance by Wolfman Jack!


Monday, February 12, 2007

Oh, To Be "On Notice" and Not Dead!

Hello Everyone!

During the nineties, they used to say that a band had truly "made it" if the band's video was featured on Beavis and Butt-head. I don't have a band, let alone a video, and there are no more new Beavis and Butt-head episodes, so I figured I'd never "make it". But then this happened:

I'm not sure exactly why, but apparently I was put "On Notice" by Stephen Colbert himself! I even ranked higher than Barbra Streisand, so I'm very happy! If I were to croak right here at this keyboard, I'd know I had lived a fulfilling life.

But if I were to drop dead and you were to attend my funeral, you better remember to turn off your cell phone lest bad things might happen to you:

Karma's a bitch!

Thanks again to everyone who keeps sending me stuff. You guys make maintaining a blog for no pay in my spare time fun and easy.


Thursday, February 08, 2007

Lame Excuses and Everyone Has a Blog These Days

Hello Everybody!

Sorry I haven't posted anything original in a while. But I can explain. I've been really busy with school lately. Honest... I ran out of gas. I had a flat tire. I didn't have enough money for cab fare. My tux didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole my car. There was an earthquake. A terrible flood. Locusts. IT WASN'T MY FAULT, I SWEAR TO GOD!

Anyhoo, this term has been a bit tough so I expect it to be like this for the next five or six weeks. After then, I'll be posting so much, your brain will explode from overdosing on the sheer mass of information and entertainment you'll be reading on this blog!

Until then, try checking out this blog. It seems my cat has started blogging. I'm not quite sure how she managed to operate a computer without having opposable thumbs, but somehow she did.

In the meantime, I'll be doing homework.

Hasta la pasta!


Monday, February 05, 2007

Molly Ivins 1944-2007

Here's an excerpt from a 1995 Molly Ivins column about Rush Limbaugh:

The kind of humor Limbaugh uses troubles me deeply, because I have spent much of my professional life making fun of politicians. I believe it is a great American tradition and should be encouraged. We should all laugh more at our elected officials–it's good for us and good for them. So what right do I have to object because Limbaugh makes fun of different pols than I do?

I object because he consistently targets dead people, little girls, and the homeless–none of whom are in a particularly good position to answer back. Satire is a weapon, and it can be quite cruel. It has historically been the weapon of powerless people aimed at the powerful. When you use satire against powerless people, as Limbaugh does, it is not only cruel, it's profoundly vulgar. It is like kicking a cripple.

On his TV show, early in the Clinton administration, Limbaugh put up a picture of Socks, the White House cat, and asked, "Did you know there's a White House dog?" Then he put up a picture of Chelsea Clinton, who was 13 years old at the time and as far as I know had never done any harm to anyone.

When viewers objected, he claimed, in typical Limbaugh fashion, that the gag was an accident and that without his permission some technician had put up the picture of Chelsea–which I found as disgusting as his original attempt at humor.

On another occasion, Limbaugh put up a picture of Labor Secretary Robert Reich that showed him from the forehead up, as though that were all the camera could get. Reich is indeed a very short man as a result of a bone disease he had as a child. Somehow the effect of bone disease in children has never struck me as an appropriate topic for humor.

Thanks to This Modern World for the excerpt.