Saturday, December 02, 2006

Free Advice and Viewer Mail!

Hey everybody!

Welcome to another edition of Rob's blog, where you're sure to find lots of interesting, pertinent information, free of charge!

(Note: I may one day resort to placing advertising on this blog. But as it stands right now, there aren't enough viewers for me to get a cut of the revenue- yet. If I don't get paid, nobody gets paid!)

Speaking of pertinent information, I've got some advice for all both of my loyal readers.

Now, I'm not one to go around spouting off advice left and right like some smug, self-important, know-it-all just to make it look like I'm smarter than you. However, this little gem that I'm about to bestow upon you is a can't-miss, sure-fire piece of advice that would work wonders for anybody!

So here goes. Are you ready? If not, you better get ready because here it comes! My advice is this:

Don't get sick.

Isn't that the best advice ever? I think so. Getting sick sucks. And I should have taken my own advice because I myself am now sick. It's no picnic, that's for sure. More like a sick-nic!

Now I'm sure many both of you readers are thinking, "That 'sick-nic' pun was the corniest thing I've ever read. Rob ought to be drawn and quartered for that." Well, you're right (except for that drawn and quartered thing- man, you guys are violent). But this is what being sick does to a person. So don't get sick.

Despite the fact that I'm practically on my deathbed, I'm going to press on with this posting. I'm doing this for you, the viewer. And if my writings continue to be corny, well, let that be a lesson to you: don't get sick.

So now that I've passed on my sage advice, I feel it's an appropriate time to answer some mail that I've gotten from all both of my readers and maybe offer some more sage advice. So without any further ado, let's open the mailbag!

The first letter comes from Jim Bob Purdy from Bald Knob, Arkansas. Jim Bob writes:

Dear Rob,

I was kinda hopin' you could help my sitsheation down here. It seems that my woman friend has taken a likin' to workin' out at that newfangled Gold's Gym they put in across the street from Applebee's. You see, I ain't got no problem with her workin' out on account it's been makin' her tougher than a two dollar steak. In fact, I kinda like it 'cause it makes things a bit more "physical" in the bedroom, if you catch my drift. The only problem is that she doesn't shower after she works out, so she comes home smelling like a turd that came out of a dead skunk's cornhole. What should I do?

Sign me,
Hankerin' for Fresh Air

P.S. Please don't use my real name. My woman friend reads your blog, too.

My response:

Oops, it looks I already revealed your real name, Jim Bob Purdy from Bald Knob, Arkansas. Sorry.

About your smelly problem, I "reckon" the solution is fairly simple. The next time she goes to the gym, head on over to your local Home Depot or Lowe's (there's probably one near the Applebee's) and pick up one of those Northstar Gas Powered Pressure Washers with the 24 HP Honda GX670 OHV V-Twin engine. Attach the soap nozzle, fill the Downstream Soap Injector with your favorite liquid detergent, hide in the bushes until she gets home, and then spray her down! You also get an added bonus: chicks love getting sprayed by cold, pressurized water, especially if they're wearing white t-shirts! Good luck, Jim Bob, and don't forget to take pictures so I can post them on the blog!

Our next letter comes from Brittney Hoogerhyde of Mianus, Connecticut. Brittney writes:

Hey Rob,

Like, since you're such an expert on pop culture and stuff, I totally thought that you'd be the perfect person to talk to about this. You know the show "Gilmore Girls"? I totally love that show. Like, I neve miss any of the new episodes on CW or any of the reruns on ABC Family. I also totally have all the DVDs and I watch those when the show isn't on TV. Oh, I'm also the vice president of the Rory and Lorelai fanclub and I tried to start a petition to get Jess' spinoff show "Windward Circle" on the air, but like, it didn't work. If I could have any wish come true, it would be to be Rory's best friend on the show. Like I wouldn't be Lane or anything, I'd just be me. And it wouldn't be a TV show, it would be real. Anyways, some people think I'm like totally obsessive about all this. What do you think?

Brittney Hoogerhyde

My response:

OMG! I so can't believe Lorelai and Christopher got married! Like, she totally loves Luke and he totally loves her and they should've totally gotten married! What were they thinking?

Our next letter comes from Cathy in Eugene, OR. Cathy writes:

Honey, stop fooling around on the computer. You're wasting your life away.


My response:

Well, that wraps up another episode of Rob's blog. Before I go, I've got one more piece of free advice:

Be excellent to each other.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is your best - most entertaining post yet! Keep it up. you should write sick all the time.

Although, I wish you had passed out that advice to the rest of us about not getting sick a bit earlier, you bastard.

The last couple of days have been... I have... um... Well, lets just say, after the storm finally cleared, it took several hours of backbreaking labour and rediculous amounts of industrial strength cleaning solvents for the bathroom to once again become suitable for human occupation.

I'm getting nauseous just thinking about it.

Oh fuck. Not again!!!!!!!!!!!

10:57 PM, December 02, 2006  

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