Rob Comments on the Entertainment News!

Hello everyone!

I realize I haven't been posting very often, nor have my postings been of very good quality lately (A jumping bus--WTF? It barely got 3 inches off the ground!), but such is the life of a student. In fact, I should be working on a paper right now, although it's not due until Thursday. Don't expect much for the next 8 weeks or so, though, unless I decide to procrastinate some more. But for today, I couldn't not comment on this article.

Now normally, whenever I comment on a news article, I like to post it in its own blog, appropriately called "Rob Comments on the News". However, due to the content of this article, I felt it belonged here instead. So let's get right to it!

Sting tops list of worst lyricists

Reuters
Monday, October 8, 2007; 6:20 PM

LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Maybe Sting should start writing more instrumentals.

Maybe he should just go away. He doesn't have to leave the planet--he just needs to go somewhere far away from people. He can take Phil Collins and Bryan Adams with him. They can sing that stupid Three Musketeers song somewhere appropriate--like the Ross Ice Shelf. Then the penguins would use their razor-sharp beaks to rip out their vocal cords, and the world will truly focus on stopping Global Warming if only out of sheer gratitude.

The school teacher-turned-rock star topped Blender's list of the worst lyricists, thanks to lines that betray "mountainous pomposity (and) cloying spirituality," the music magazine said.

I remember hearing a clip from an interview with Sting where he said that he and Andy Summers were on vacation in the Caribbean, but Sting couldn't enjoy himself because his girlfriend or wife or whoever left him. He said to Andy, "Look up at the sun. There a little black spot on it. It's my soul up there." Even his stories about how he came up with his pompous lyrics are pompous! There's no way in hell that happened!

Blender should also mention the repetitiveness of his lyrics. Take these "clever" lyrics from the last six minutes of the song, "Message in a Bottle":

Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
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Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.
Sending out at an S.O.S.

Catchy, isn't it?

And don't get me started on the name "Sting". It's almost as bad as U2's "The Edge"!

The survey, contained in the November issue that hits newsstands next week, placed Rush drummer Neil Peart at No. 2, Creed frontman Scott Stapp at No. 3, Oasis guitarist Noel Gallagher at No. 4, and soft-rocker Dan Fogelberg at No. 5.

O.k., let's look at the runners up. Rush, eh? I kinda like them musically, but I've never paid much attention to their lyrics. Let's take a looksee:

And the men who hold high places
Must be the ones to start
To mould a new reality
Closer to the heart

The blacksmith and the artist
Reflect it in their art
Forge their creativity
Closer to the heart

Philosophers and ploughmen
Each must know his part
To sow a new mentality
Closer to the heart

You can be the captain
I will draw the chart
Sailing into destiny
Closer to the heart

Now I know why I've never paid much attention to their lyrics. What a bunch of hosers!

How about Creed:

When you are with me, I'm free
I'm careless, I believe
Above all the others we'll fly
This brings tears to my eyes
My sacrifice

Oh man that was bowling shoe ugly. If you want to make a sacrifice, Scott Stapp, try throwing yourself in front of a bus.

Let's try Oasis:

Wake up the dawn and ask her why
A dreamer dreams she never dies
Wipe that tear away now from your eye
Slowly walking down the hall
Faster than a cannon ball
Where were you when we were getting high?

Where was I? Stabbing my ear canals with an ice pick so I don't ever have to hear another Oasis song!

Next on the list is Dan Fogelberg:

Now you kids with your loud music and your Dan Fogelberg, your Zima, hula hoops and Pac-Man video games, don't you see? People today have attention spans that can only be measured in nanoseconds.

Awful. Let's get back to the article before I throw up all over my Toshiba Satellite A215-S4757:

Blender assailed Sting for such alleged sins as name-dropping Russian novelist Vladimir Nabokov in the Police tune "Don't Stand So Close to Me," quoting a Volvo bumper sticker ("If You Love Someone Set Them Free"), and co-opting the works of Chaucer, St. Augustine and Shakespeare.

And being a giant douche.

A spokeswoman for the English rocker, who is currently in Belgium on the Police's reunion world tour, did not respond to a request for comment.

That means he must be busy writing more. I swear, his true calling is writing for the Coldwater Creek catalogs.

Blender described Canadian rocker Peart's lyrics as "richly awful tapestries of fantasy and science," and said Gallagher "seemed incapable of following a metaphor through a single line, let alone a whole verse."
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Truer words have never been spoken.

Further down the ranks, Led Zeppelin frontman Robert Plant (No. 23) was derided for his Tolkienesque musings on Gollum and Mordor in "Ramble On."

Aa a Zeppelin fan since I was 14, I have to admit this wasn't exactly their finest moment. It's what happens when musicians take too much LSD.

It's still better than "Hot Dog", though:

I took her love at seventeen
A little late these days it seems
But they said heaven is well worth waiting for
I took her word I took it all
Beneath the sign that said "U-haul"
She left angels hangin round for more

This is what happens when musicians take too much cocaine.

Carly Simon (No. 31) was mocked for rhyming "yacht," "apricot" and "gavotte" in "You're So Vain."

What, no mention of a "dog named Spot"?

Paul McCartney made No. 38, thanks in part to "Ebony and Ivory," his socially conscious duet with Stevie Wonder.

That stupid Christmas song he did should have singlehandedly propelled him into the top ten in my book.

Reuters/Nielsen

So the lesson here is simple. Leave the lyric writing to the experts, like Leonard Cohen:

Everybody knows that the dice are loaded
Everybody rolls with their fingers crossed
Everybody knows that the war is over
Everybody knows the good guys lost

Everybody knows the fight was fixed
The poor stay poor, the rich get rich
That's how it goes
Everybody knows

Everybody knows that the boat is leaking
Everybody knows that the captain lied
Everybody got this broken feeling
Like their father or their dog just died

Everybody talking to their pockets
Everybody wants a box of chocolates
And a long stem rose
Everybody knows

Everybody knows that you love me baby
Everybody knows that you really do
Everybody knows that you've been faithful
Ah give or take a night or two

Everybody knows you've been discreet
But there were so many people you just had to meet
Without your clothes
And everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows
That's how it goes
Everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows
That's how it goes
Everybody knows

And everybody knows that it's now or never
Everybody knows that it's me or you
And everybody knows that you live forever
Ah when you've done a line or two

Everybody knows the deal is rotten
Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton
For your ribbons and bows
And everybody knows

And everybody knows that the Plague is coming
Everybody knows that it's moving fast
Everybody knows that the naked man and woman
Are just a shining artifact of the past

Everybody knows the scene is dead
But there's gonna be a meter on your bed
That will disclose
What everybody knows

And everybody knows that you're in trouble
Everybody knows what you've been through
From the bloody cross on top of Calvary
To the beach of Malibu

Everybody knows it's coming apart
Take one last look at this Sacred Heart
Before it blows
And everybody knows

Everybody knows, everybody knows
That's how it goes
Everybody knows

Rob