Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Election Season

Hello everyone!

Lately, I've been busy sprucing up Rob Dow's World somewhat. If you look to your right, you'll see a whole new set of links, unless you're reading this on myspace or somewhere else, in which case you should click here. Anyway, these links are great links to great sites with great things posted by great people, so click on them often (no, I'm not getting paid for this) and enjoy. Then come back and read the rest of this posting. Go ahead, I'll wait for you!

Now that you're back, let's get on with this post! The 2008 presidential election season sure is heating up! Unfortunately, my favorite candidate, Dennis Kucinich, dropped out, er... was forced out of the race due to a complete absence of corporate media coverage on his campaign and due to him being kept out of the Democratic Party debates, despite the fact that he won the same number of delegates in the Iowa caucuses as Rudy Giuliani (0) and more votes than Fred Thompson in New Hampshire (3914 vs. 2,905), both of whom have been allowed in all the Republican debates. But I guess that's what happens to those who speak the truth.

Now I don't know who I'm going to endorse. I like a lot of what John Edwards is saying. The mainstream media is ignoring him, too, which makes me like him even more. I could probably vote for Barack Obama without feeling like a dirty, dirty whore. But I'm not sure about all this talk about reaching out and working with the Republicans. Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid have been trying that for a year and it's gotten them nowhere. I'm not interested in compromising with people who claim to be moral and then ignore poor people, who trash our environment and economy in the name of private corporate profit, who underfund our infrastructure and educational system while overfunding our military, and who believe the earth was created 5,000-6,000 years ago and that we should teach that in public school science classes.

I wouldn't be caught dead voting for Hillary Clinton or any of the other Republicans. I'd most likely go third party.

Anyway, the candidates are really beginning to pull out all the stops. For instance, take a look at this ad:



If that weren't enough, some of the candidates think they're comedians:



But once the two main candidates are chosen, then we'll have to sit through the conventions:



Just think, only 279 more days to go!

Rob

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Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Facts Are Facts--Unless They're Not Mentioned

Hello everyone!

I just finished looking up and article that I was discussing with a friend earlier tonight. He hadn't read it, so I promised to send him a link. I regularly try to read many online news outlets (including the Bonner County Daily Bee for a laugh or two), or at least scan the headlines for something that catches my attention. Because of that, I couldn't quite remember exactly where I originally saw the article, so I went to Google news to find it. Like any major story, Google gave me a list of several headlines with links to the articles. Here's the search. I'm not sure if you can link a search that might change later, so here's a reproduction with links to each original article:
Database assembles US warnings of Saddam threat
Reuters - 9 hours ago
WASHINGTON, Jan 23 (Reuters) - The Bush administration's warnings about prewar Iraq, from Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice's "mushroom cloud" to Vice ...
Study: Bush, aides made 935 false statements in run-up to war
CNN - 13 hours ago
WASHINGTON (CNN) -- President Bush and his top aides publicly made 935 false statements about the security risk posed by Iraq in the two years following ...
Web Site Assembles US Prewar Claims
New York Times, United States - Jan 22, 2008
By JOHN H. CUSHMAN Jr. WASHINGTON — Students of how the Bush administration led the nation into the Iraq war can now go online to browse a comprehensive ...
935 Iraq Falsehoods
Washington Post, United States - 9 hours ago
By Dan Froomkin A nonprofit group pursuing old-fashioned accountability journalism is out with a new report and database documenting 935 false statements by ...
Bush Administration Lied 935 Times About Iraq Before Invasion: Study
MTV.com - 8 hours ago
President cited as most frequent liar, with 259 false statements about weapons of mass destruction and more. By Gil Kaufman For years, ...
Reporters count Bush team's falsities before Iraq
Baltimore Sun, United States - 12 hours ago
by Frank James The Center for Public Integrity has a new report out this morning which it says chronicles at least 935 falsities that President Bush and his ...
Truth was first US casualty in Iraq war: study
AFP - 4 hours ago
WASHINGTON (AFP) — US President George W. Bush and his top officials ran roughshod over the truth in the run-up to the Iraq war lying a total of 935 times, ...
Database lists 935 false prewar statements
United Press International - 10 hours ago
WASHINGTON, Jan. 23 (UPI) -- The Bush administration made more than 900 false statements in the run-up to the war in Iraq on weapons of mass destruction, ...
Fighting "State of the Union" Deception
Yahoo! News - 6 hours ago
The Nation -- President Bush has been caught lying again: [Hundreds of false statements about Iraq] were part of an orchestrated campaign that effectively ...
George W Bush, White House told 935 lies after September 11
NEWS.com.au, Australia - 10 hours ago
By staff writers US President George W Bush and other top officials issued almost one thousand false statements about the national security threat from Iraq ...
Study: False Statements Preceded War
The Associated Press - Jan 22, 2008
WASHINGTON (AP) — A study by two nonprofit journalism organizations found that President Bush and top administration officials issued hundreds of false ...
Study: Bush, others 'methodically propagated' false info before ...
USA Today - 14 hours ago
In a report that is sure to evoke passionate responses from supporters and opponents of the Iraq war, two nonprofit groups have concluded that President ...
President Bush's Lies According to the Center for Public Integrity
Associated Content, CO - 6 hours ago
President Bush's Lies: A report released by The Center for Public Integrity has put out a list of 935 false statements put forth by the Bush administration ...
Study highlights hundreds of false claims about Iraq
Belfast Telegraph, United Kingdom - 14 hours ago
A study in the United States has found that the Bush administration issued nearly 1000 false statements about alleged security threats from Iraq in the two ...
The Center for Public Integrity: Administration Lied About Iraq
HULIQ, NC - 12 hours ago
A new web project called The Center for Public Integrity, which focuses on ethics and integrity, concludes in a recent study that the Bush administration ...
One Lie is Okay, 935 Lies = War
Seattlest, Seattle - 4 hours ago
Not that there's anything remarkably surprising about this. Most of us here in this hippy haven understand full well that the War in Iraq was forged under ...
Database of deception
Medill Reports, DC - 5 hours ago
by Adam Amaro WASHINGTON -- Many critics have accused the Bush administration of misleading the public to justify the Iraq War. Now, people have a new tool ...
ThinkFast: January 23, 2008
Think Progress, DC - 13 hours ago
A new study by the Center for Public Integrity and the Fund for Independence in Journalism found that President Bush and his top officials issued 935 false ...
Today's Must Read
TPMmuckraker.com, NY - 13 hours ago
By Paul Kiel - January 23, 2008, 9:24AM Somebody had to do it. And hooray to the Center for Public Integrity and Fund for Independence in Journalism for ...
Study: Bush administration issues hundreds of false statements for ...
Xinhua, China - 14 hours ago
WASHINGTON, Jan. 22 (Xinhua) -- US President George W. Bush and top administration officials made hundreds of false statements about security threat from ...
Bush Administration Makes 935 False Statement About Iraq ...
Associated Content, CO - 3 hours ago
Is it possible that high level members of the Bush Administration, including the President and Vice President, made 935 false statements regarding Iraq ...
Bush Administration Accused of Deception in New Center for Public ...
Associated Content, CO - 3 hours ago
The Center for Public Integrity, a non-profit news organization devoted to transparent, honest reporting on public issues, has issued a new report outlining ...
Study: Bush, other officials issued hundreds of false statements ...
WLOS, NC - 22 hours ago
WASHINGTON (AP) -- A new study finds President Bush and his top aides issued hundreds of false statements about the national security threat posed by Iraq ...
Center For Public Integrity: The Lies that Led to Bush's War in Iraq
Associated Content, CO - 4 hours ago
Center For Public Integrity: The Lies that Led to Bush's War in Iraq: It is difficult to believe that there are still people in the world who cling to the ...
Independent Study Finds Bush "Unequivocally" Lied US into War with ...
OpEdNews, PA - 18 hours ago
by Frank J. Ranelli Page 1 of 1 page(s) A nonprofit collaboration of two independent, non-governmental organizations has concluded that President Bush used ...
Q&A: "We Are Haunted By a War Begun Under False Pretences"
IPS, Italy - 12 hours ago
WASHINGTON, Jan 23 (IPS) - Eight key players in the George W. Bush administration, including the president himself, made at least 935 false statements in ...
New Study Finds Bush Administration Officials Made Hundreds of ...
Center For American Progress, DC - 8 hours ago
A new study by two journalism nonprofits, the Center for Public Integrity and the Fund for Independence in Journalism, found that President Bush and top ...
Reporters Enumerate Shocking Number of Bush’s Lies
Javno.hr, Croatia - 12 hours ago
George W. Bush and his administration have stated a total of 935 lies within a two-year period. The research carried out by two non-profit journalist ...
Bush Lied 935 Times on Iraq says Report
ShortNews.com, Germany - 19 hours ago
Two nonprofit journalism organizations have concluded in a report that President Bush and top White House administration officials issued hundreds of lies ...
Bush ‘faked Iraq reports’
Glasgow Evening Times, UK - 17 hours ago
UNITED STATES: A study by two non-profit journalism organisations says US president George Bush and administration chiefs issued hundreds of false ...
935 Falsehoods From Bush Administration Led to Iraq War
ShortNews.com, Germany - 23 hours ago
Two nonprofit organizations have tallied up the number of false statements about the threat from Iraq made by Bush administration members between Sept. ...
Why Did We Go To War?
ShortNews.com, Germany - Jan 22, 2008
The Center For Public Integrity and the Fund for Independence in Journalism has verified that on 532 occasions Bush and his administration officials have ...
Bush Agrees He Lied Hundreds of Times About Iraq to Promote War
The Spoof (satire), UK - 6 hours ago
WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) - President Bush has acknowledged that he lied hundreds of times about Iraq in order to warp public opinion into supporting the Iraq ...
False Pretenses
uruknet.info, Italy - 19 hours ago
Following 9/11, President Bush and seven top officials of his administration waged a carefully orchestrated campaign of misinformation about the threat ...
It's amazing to me how many different versions of the "truth" there are and how easy it is for some people (presumably with an agenda) to leave out key facts.

Case in point: in both the Reuters and New York Times articles, the focus of the story is that someone made a database. Big deal, right? But that wasn't the point of the study.

The point was that the entire Bush administration deliberately spoon fed bullshit to us in order to scare the crap out of us so we'd let them invade Iraq. There were almost 1000 of them.

I'll let the study speak for itself:

"In short, the Bush administration led the nation to war on the basis of erroneous information that it methodically propagated and that culminated in military action against Iraq on March 19, 2003," and, "an exhaustive examination of the record shows that the statements were part of an orchestrated campaign that effectively galvanized public opinion and, in the process, led the nation to war under decidedly false pretenses."

But do Reuters or The New York Times mention that? No! Sure, a few paragraphs in they casually mention that "[m]uch of their case for war has since been discredited," or "there is now evidence that some statements contradicted even the sketchy intelligence of the time." But that's it.

You'd think that documentation that an American President and his administration repeated bogus information almost 1,000 times, which then caused a war that so far has been going on almost five years and has killed 4,000 Americans, injured tens of thousands more, killed hundreds of thousands of Iraqis, and has displaced three million more would be the focus of a news story, not the fact that a nonprofit group compiled all the statements into an easy to search database. You'd think so, but you'd be wrong.

And it doesn't matter whether or not they know it was bogus, it simply means that they're either liars or completely incompetent. Either way, they need to go.

By the way, if you think they simply made a mistake, I've got this great bridge for sale. Dirt cheap.

Besides those two articles, almost every other one uses words like "false", "deception", and "lies", and that's just in the headline.

I believe Google ranks its listings based on popularity, but I could be wrong, and if I am, I really don't need to hear about it. The Reuters and New York Times articles were numbers one and three respectively. The article I originally read was the AP one, eleventh from the top.

What's more telling is that there is no Fox News story.

So the message here is to always be suspicious of everything you read. Unless it's on my blog, of course.

Rob

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Tuesday, January 22, 2008

She Said "Erection"

Hello everyone!

Today I sat in my "The Political Economy of North-South Relations" class and desperately tried to stay awake and pay attention to the wonderfully exciting world of international trade policies and developing economies. I am actually interested in this incredibly boring subject matter, but that's only because I'm a nerd. Still, when we talk in detail about dependency theory, the Kuznets curve, and Keynesian Management Theory, even my eyes begin to glaze over. On this day I had just finished a three day weekend, so although I wasn't going to nod off completely, I had no ability to focus and pay attention even if I'd wanted to. Anyway, while I was staring at the back of the head of the person sitting in front of me, pondering what brand of shampoo she uses, I suddenly heard my professor, a very attractive younger woman, say this:

"...but with the erection of trade barriers..."

Holy crap! Did Professor Baker just say "erection" in front of the whole class?

It was all I could do to keep myself from blurting out, "She said 'erection'!" From where I was sitting, I was surrounded by women, and I hadn't said more than four sentences to all of them combined in the past three weeks, so I managed to restrain myself out of fear of how they'd react. Desperately, I looked around at each of the other students, at least the ones I could see from my seat, hoping to see a sign that at least one other person in the class caught it. But alas, everyone else had the same glazed over look on their faces that I had just had. I even tried looking the three jocks who always sit together and high-five each other a lot, but each was focused on his laptop, no doubt looking up sports scores or kinky porn and pretending to be anywhere but in that classroom at that time.

What's wrong with today's youth?

There's only one two people who can appreciate something of this magnitude. Take it away, boys:

Butthead: She said "erection". Uh-huh-huh.

Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Erection! Boooooiiiiiiinnng! Heh-heh-heh!

My thoughts exactly. I guess today's youths just aren't sophisticated enough.

Rob

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Sunday, January 13, 2008

Anti-Photogenic or Just a Blithering Idiot?

Hello everyone!

I've been thinking about how some people are photogenic, while others aren't. No one emphasizes the latter more than our current "esteemed" president, George W. Bush.

Simply put: I've seen an insane amount of photographs floating around out there in which he looks like a blithering idiot.

There have been a few theories put forth as to why this is:

#1. He's simply not photogenic. I'm sorry, people say this about themselves all the time, but this just isn't a good enough explanation. There may be some truth to the statement, but it doesn't explain why he's not photogenic. It's like saying, "The reason I'm broke is because I have no money." Next...

#2. It's not that he's not photogenic, it's just that since he's president, his picture is taken so many times that of course there are going to be some bad ones. Again, this explanation doesn't cut it. If that were the case, there should be scads of photographs of former presidents Clinton, Bush Sr., Reagan, Carter, etc. looking like idiots. But there aren't many. Believe me, I looked. Likewise, thanks to the paparazzi, there ought to be tons and tons of photos of celebrities looking like idiots. I'm not talking about celebrity mug shots, photos of intoxicated celebrities, worst dressed celebrities, or other pointless entertainment crap like this. I'm talking about photographs of famous people just going about their day, all the while looking like they're mentally retarded. Photos like this show up occasionally, but no one can even hold a candle to George W. Bush in terms of sheer numbers of photos. No one. Which brings us to:

#3. He looks like an idiot so often because he is, in fact, an idiot. Now, as anyone who knows me knows, I'm no fan of George Bush. Even so, my first reaction is to dismiss this theory. I mean, what does it say about us if the person we elect to represent us, the most powerful leader in the world, is dumber than dirt?

Then I think about the past seven years. I think of how much respect our country used to have in much (but admittedly not all) of the world, even though in most cases it arguably wasn't deserved. However, now we're one of the most, if not the most, hated nations in the world. And to those who don't care, well, I don't know about you, but I'd much rather have friends than enemies. For one, it's safer that way. So when I think of the way Bush and his cabinet have executed our national foreign policy, a number of adjectives immediately come to mind, adjectives such as stupid, arrogant, short-sighted, cruel, idiotic, stupid, unbelievable, illogical, stupid, selfish, disastrous, stupid, mean spirited, stupid, conceited, stupid, dumb, stupid, and really, really stupid.

When I think about it, these adjectives can also be used to describe his domestic policy, or any other part of his presidency for that matter.

Then I inevitably think that maybe he's not stupid, but he just has really bad advisers. Maybe there have been a number of things that have happened that even the smartest people could not have foreseen, and maybe I'm being too tough on the guy. And then I think about how his policies were actually good for some people. Of course I'm talking about the ultra-wealthy, as well as people who work for oil companies, Halliburton, and the military-industrial complex. This makes me think that maybe he's not such an idiot after all, and maybe we're just the idiots for electing him in the first place and being surprised that the price of gasoline has tripled under a Texas oil millionaire wannabe president.

But then I remember all the idiotic things that George Bush has ever said. And then it all becomes crystal clear.

I don't claim to be a psychologist, a psychiatrist, or even a psychic. All I know is that there seems to be a mountain of evidence that, in a nation full of dumb people, one of the dumbest of them all is running the show.

And that scares the hell out of me.

I know some of the millions five or six (and growing!) of my readers might take offense to this. But as they say, the proof is in the coagulated dessert concoction.

I've taken actual photographs of our "esteemed" president (I didn't "take" the photos myself, I just stole them from other sites) and paired them with actual quotes of his. I realize that in all likelihood, each quote was uttered at a different time and in a different context than each accompanying photo. But as far as I'm concerned, that doesn't mean they're unrelated! Here they are, and keep in mind, these are actual quotes that I never bothered to verify with actual photographs that someone else may or may not have photoshopped, but probably didn't:

"You know, when you give a man more money in his pocket -- in this case, a woman more money in her pocket to expand a business, it -- they build new buildings. And when somebody builds a new building somebody has got to come and build the building. And when the building expanded it prevented additional opportunities for people to work." --George W. Bush, Lancaster, Pa., Oct. 3, 2007

"I think -- tide turning -- see, as I remember -- I was raised in the desert, but tides kind of -- it's easy to see a tide turn -- did I say those words?" --George W. Bush, asked if the tide was turning in Iraq, Washington, D.C., June 14, 2006

"I think younger workers -- first of all, younger workers have been promised benefits the government -- promises that have been promised, benefits that we can't keep. That's just the way it is." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 4, 2005

"I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., May 25, 2004

"As you can possibly see, I have an injury myself -- not here at the hospital, but in combat with a cedar. I eventually won. The cedar gave me a little scratch. As a matter of fact, the Colonel asked if I needed first aid when she first saw me. I was able to avoid any major surgical operations here, but thanks for your compassion, Colonel." --George W. Bush, after visiting with wounded veterans from the Amputee Care Center of Brooke Army Medical Center, San Antonio, Texas, Jan. 1, 2006

"I don't particularly like it when people put words in my mouth, either, by the way, unless I say it." --George W. Bush, Crawford, Texas, Nov. 10, 2007

"Make no mistake about it, I understand how tough it is, sir. I talk to families who die." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Dec. 7, 2006

"Because the -- all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculate, for example, is on the table; whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those -- changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be -- or closer delivered to what has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the -- like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate -- the benefits will rise based upon inflation, as opposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those -- if that growth is affected, it will help on the red." --George W. Bush, explaining his plan to save Social Security, Tampa, Fla., Feb. 4, 2005

"I have a record in office, as well. And all Americans have seen that record. September the 4th, 2001, I stood in the ruins of the Twin Towers. It's a day I will never forget." --George W. Bush, Marlton, New Jersey, Oct. 18, 2004

"We stand for things." --George W. Bush, Davenport, Iowa, Aug. 5, 2004

"Who could have possibly envisioned an erection -- an election in Iraq at this point in history?" --George W. Bush, at the white House, Washington, D.C., Jan. 10, 2005

"As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured." --George W. Bush, on the No Child Left Behind Act, Washington, D.C., Sept. 26, 2007

"There are jobs Americans aren't doing. ... If you've got a chicken factory, a chicken-plucking factory, or whatever you call them, you know what I'm talking about." --George W. Bush. Tipp City, Ohio, April 19, 2007

"I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. You're doing a heck of a job. You cut your teeth here, right? That's where you started practicing? That's good. He married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas girl, just like me." --George W. Bush, Nashville, Tenn., May 27, 2004

"We look forward to hearing your vision, so we can more better do our job. That's what I'm telling you." --George W. Bush, Gulfport, Miss., Sept. 20, 2005

"I got a lot of Ph.D.-types and smart people around me who come into the Oval Office and say, 'Mr. President, here's what's on my mind.' And I listen carefully to their advice. But having gathered the device, I decide, you know, I say, 'This is what we're going to do.'" --George W. Bush, Lancaster, Pa., Oct. 3, 2007

I rest my case.

Rob

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Congratulations, It's a Chipmunk!

Hello everyone!

Well, congratulations to me! I'm now a..., let's see, well, hmmm, ok, so my sister's son had a son, and so that would make me a... great uncle?

Here's a picture of the little big guy:

His name is Micah Richard. He takes after his great uncle in that he's big, weighing 9 pounds 10 ounces and measuring 20 1/2 inches long. And by the looks of those cheeks, he's part chipmunk.

I've been an uncle since I was in grade school, and I've always been great, but I wasn't officially a great uncle until three or so years ago when Micah's big older sister Angela was born. Now it's doubly official.

Anyway, congrats to my nephew Ashley and his wife Monica.

Rob

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Thursday, January 10, 2008

Hey, I'm 100! Choke on that, Strom Thurmond!

Anonymous said...

post something soon.

Please..

10:22 PM, January 05, 2008
Sheesh-can't a guy take a break once in a while? Especially when he's not getting paid for this?

Hello everyone!

The time off did wonders. I feel like a new Rob.

Well, here it is: my 100th blog posting. You don't believe it's my 100th posting? Well, you can go back and count my previous postings if you want. Of course, if you do, it means you have way too much time to spare, which really means you're a loser with no life. But I can't have that kind of readership because I have a reputation to keep, so just take my word for it, m'kay?

Anyway, the reason why I haven't posted in a while is because I haven't been particularly inspired these days. Sorry, but it's true. I mean, I've thought of lots of things to post, but nothing was quite deserving of the Rob Dow's World 100th Posting Spectacular!

Sure, there are plenty of things to talk about. I could talk about my Christmas. I could mention the sweet gifts I got, such as the excellent digital voice recorder (note to self: use voice recorder for those moments of brilliance that I have several times a day...or better yet, leave in bathroom next to toilet), Oscar award-winning DVDs such as Super Troopers and Jackass Number Two, bitchin' board games such as the South Park Trivia Game and Smart Ass the Board Game (my people know me), an awesome Pearls Before Swine 2008 Calendar, TNT Pop-Its and plastic bugs that fly through the air, and to top it all off, a kick-ass subscription to the Gourmet Cheese of the Month Club, bitches!!!!!

But I won't mention any of that.

I also won't mention the fun gifts Cathy and I gave this year, such as plants for our Oregonian people and baskets of Oregon stuff that we put together for the Idaho crew. I also won't talk about how good it was to see my family and friends, nor how I enjoyed playing in the snow and sledding down my sister's one mile long road (aptly named Hellroaring Rd.) and not having to walk back up thanks to the pickup truck that was waiting at the bottom.

Nope, I refuse to talk about any of this.

I'm also not going to talk about my New Year's Eve. I won't bother mentioning how I watched Dick Clark on TV for the first time in years and how I was impressed that scientists were able to reanimate his rotting corpse and make him almost appear to be alive again. I'll definitely omit the part where I bitch about how old I felt because I hung out with my parents and seriously considered going to bed before midnight, but still managed to make it to about 12:30.

I certainly won't talk about my New Year's Resolutions, not even the one in which I decided my blog should be more educational and feature useful information such as the Bristol Stool Chart:

For the visually impaired, the above chart is talking about poop. But I'm not even going to get into that, nor am I going to mention that I tend to be in the type 3 range depending on what I ate the day before. I'm not sure how the Gourmet Cheese of the Month Club will affect things, though. Anyway...

I won't even mention the other blog-related resolution I made, which was to try to be more topical and talk about pop culture, even though it seems to get me into trouble. I also won't even mention this banner ad that caught my attention:

I'm certainly not going to zoom in on the face of the young Usher (I think):

I sure won't even point out how much he looks like Emmanuel Lewis, AKA TV's Webster:


And I sure as hell won't even try to come up with some pathetic "separated at birth" joke. Not here, not now.

Nope, I won't even mention those things I just mentioned.

Instead, I'm just going to copy and paste the greatest Internet posting I've ever seen.

Now, I know I'm quite often susceptible to engaging in hyperbole. Oops--sorry, my college vocabulary slipped out. What I mean to say is I like to exaggerate stuff. But in all honesty, I can't say I'm exaggerating when I say this is the greatest posting ever because it is! Well, maybe not the greatest ever, but at least the greatest that I've seen in the past couple of days.

Anyway, here it is, and it's brought to you by President Jimmy Carter (by the way, The Onion is not intended for readers under 18 years of age):

Sometimes I'm a little stupid, maybe, a little slow in the head, so I'm wondering if you can help me get something straight. Maybe you can help me understand one fucking thing right now, America, and explain to me what in the Christ is going on here. 'Cause, unless I'm missing something, this country is in the middle of a motherfucking shitstorm, and I have no fucking idea what you're gonna do to get out of it. I mean, are you seriously considering voting for one of these shitbags you got here in '08? Fat fucking chance.

Way I see it, America needs a president who's gonna somehow un-royally screw up the Middle East, do some serious cleaning up after you dropped your pants and took a steaming dump all over the fucking environment, and—boom!—restore dignity, honor, and all that shit to these United States.

See, I got solutions to all your problems—I got 'em right here in my big, hairy ballsack.

You better get down on your hands and knees and kiss Jimmy Carter's rosy-red Georgia-peach-picking ass and beg me to run your fucking country again, because there's no way I'm ever gonna come to you fuck-knobs and politely ask you if I might please be a presidential candidate in your precious fuckin' election. So you can just bite my cock. I've had it with you jerkoffs and your jerkoff candidates.

You actually seem to think one a' these assholes is gonna prance in and wave a magic wand and make everything all nice again. Look at you, sitting there like a common fucking schnook and eating all their bull about bi-fucking-partisanship, and how they have all the goddamn answers. Let me tell you something: These fags are dogshit compared to Jimmy fucking Carter, all right? I was arbitrating Mideast crises when this bunch was still sucking on their mamas' titties.

But who comes to me, huh? Fucking nobody. Why ask old Jimmy anything? What the fuck could he know about peace in the Middle East? It's not like he fucking won the Nobel Peace Prize for that shit. You myopic pricks. Back in '79, I sat Sadat and Begin right down and made those two dicklicks shake hands. It was beautiful—I had all the pieces lined up and I smiled and waved in my best fucking suit and tie right there on TV. And what do you do, you pieces of shit? You screw the whole goddamn pooch.

Cocksuckers.

Oh, what's that I hear? The weather's all screwy? You got a global warming problem? Boo-fucking-hoo! I was telling you morons to turn off your lights and unplug all your shit at night to conserve energy in 19-fuckin'-75, for chrissake. Gee, I wonder what woulda happened if we'd all switched to solar power like I fucking did back when we had a fucking chance to do something about it. Think we'd still be sucking Saudi Arabia's dick like a five-dollar whore? I sure as fuck didn't get no fancy Oscar for that little spiel, though, did I? No. But Al Gore, that cum-sucking pig, steals the shit from me and now he's the greatest thing since Jesus Christ made a fucking sandwich.

Well, he can lick my asshole right after George W. Bush, that fuck.

You want compassion? Somebody who's looking out for the little guy? Why don't you take a look at Jimmy Carter, 'cause unlike, oh, every motherfucking candidate out there, he spent the last fucking quarter-century building houses for the homeless. And what does he get for it? A fucking hernia. Some fucking gratitude, you selfish twats. You talk to me about compassion? I'll shove a crucifix so far up the Democrats' asses they'll be asking me to buy them dinner and kiss them good night.

Funny thing about me: I actually fucking know shit! Not like these goombas trying to weasel their way into the White House. I practically wrote the book on collapsing bridges, inflation, and the working poor, fuck-o. I even got a degree in nuclear engineering or some shit. You know how easy I could swoop down right now like a guardian angel and solve all your fucking problems? Snap. Bam. Do it in my fucking sleep. Just fucking try me.

So you want me to run for president again? Yeah, sure, absolutely, I'll do it. I'd be honored to do it—with my fucking dick in your mouth, you worthless scumbags.

You had your chance with Jimmy Carter, and you fucking blew it. So get fucked. Fucking country.
Obama and Edwards, you wish!

Rob

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