Barack X?

Hello everyone!

I'm a big fan of conspiracy theories--the nuttier, the better. The reason for this is that I know that there's not a lot that I really know. So when I hear some crazy theory, I'm open to the possibility that it's true. For example, when I was tabling for Steve Novick at the Eugene Saturday Market last spring, we were set up next to the Obama table. An Obama lady was asking people who passed by if they were registered to vote, and she asked one crazy guy who then proceeded to rant about how voting doesn't matter because the Illuminati runs everything.

That may sound bonkers to some, but I can't dismiss it as a possibility. The reason for this is that I don't know anyone who runs the world. Of course, I doubt that guy who yelled at the Obama volunteer does, either, so it's not like I'm going to live my life as though 12 Jewish guys in a bunker a mile below the surface of the Earth control everything. But I refuse to dismiss the possibility, either. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that whenever I scoff at anything as ridiculous, it usually ends up true. That's just how my luck goes.

Nevertheless, I occasionally come across a conspiracy theory that is so implausible and so completely ridiculous that I think the person who came up with it must be either be a clever prankster or psychologically unhinged. I submit to you, the viewer, Evidence A:

Barack Obama's father is really Malcolm X.

No, this doesn't link to an Onion story. It is an actual right-wing website posting that uses "evidence" to make the claim that Malcolm X is Obama's father. What evidence do I speak of? Well, both Obama and Malcolm are about the same height. They both are good at speaking. The both kinda look alike, but Barack Jr. supposedly looks nothing like his father, although I'm surprised this guy can tell black people apart. But the real smoking gun: Obama's mother might have in the same hemisphere as Malcolm X around the time Obama was conceived!

According to this future-Pulitzer Prize winner, Obama's mother was actually in Seattle instead of Hawaii when Barack was conceived, and Malcolm X may have been in Seattle around that time, which means that he is certainly Barack's father. Oh, and all the records of her being in Hawaii and enrolled in school are forged, as is Obama's birth certificate because the birth date printed on it would mean his mother was pregnant for over a year. The author explains that before Obama's mother gave birth to him, she ran away to Hawaii to marry Barack Obama Sr. to "legitimize" her child. Instead of trying to marry one of the many black men in Washington, she went to Hawaii and to convince the only black man on the island, Obama Sr., to marry her. Lucky for her that even though Obama Sr. apparently had a wife in Kenya, he was fine with this arrangement because polygamy was all the rage back home, so this would make him really cool, except he supposedly forgot to tell all his friends that he was married, so nobody actually thought he was cool.

The author then traces Barack Jr's radical upbringing by stringing together a story that includes the usual (Bill Ayers, Jeremiah Wright, Tony Rezko, and now featuring Rashid Khalidi), but also includes scary black Muslims (Elijah Muhammad and Louis Farrakhan), as well as scary black non-Muslims (Jesse Jackson and Carol Moseley Braun--she and Obama both worked for the same law firm), and relatively unknown by Americans but still scary-sounding black Nigerian dictator Sani Abacha (whose bio the "author" plagiarized directly from Wikipedia). I'm really surprised there was no mention of Obama's connections to Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. After all, he is an Arab.

It's true. I read it on the Internets.

I am open to the possibility that Malcolm X is the father of Barack Obama. I highly, highly, highly, highly, highly doubt it, but I am open to the idea. But if it's true, that would make me want to vote for Obama even more.

Rob

Are Abortion Clinic Bombers Terrorists?

Hello everyone!

Are people who bomb abortion clinics terrorists? Sarah Palin doesn't know:



This should be reason enough not to vote for McCain/Palin on its own, along with a bazillion other ones. Regardless of your stance on abortion, the fact that you shouldn't blow up the clinics and kill or maim doctors and other clinic employees should be crystal clear to everyone!

But not in Sarah Palin's world. She doesn't know if people who do this are terrorists, but she's convinced that William Ayers is a terrorist because he blew up a statue and was part of an organization that blew up some bathroom pipes and flooded a room, neither of which injured or killed anyone (not that I'm condoning that).

What a lunatic.

Rob

Tragedy

Hello everyone!

Lately I've been busy keeping track of all the racism, bigotry, and xenophobia on the part of McCain/Palin supporters during the past few weeks now that Obama has been pulling ahead in the polls. I've theorized that all this could lead to violence, but I figured it would be against Obama himself, not his supporters. Boy was I naive.

Yesterday, someone slashed the tires of over 30 cars parked outside an Obama rally. Two people in Chicago (of all places) have reportedly received death threats the other day for having Obama signs in their yards. And a dead black bear cub was found this morning dumped at a college campus "draped with a pair of Obama campaign signs." Classy, eh?

In my mind the best type of comedy is tragedy. When things are the most uncomfortable, the most pathetic, the saddest, it's a sort of natural instinct for me to laugh. That's always how I got through stressful situations in my life. Even what should be really bad movies can turn into fantastic comedies when the main character is a tragic figure. American Pie is a classic example. Jason Biggs's character is so unlucky, ignorant, and pitiful that when his father catches him having sex with a pie or when he's humiliated in front of the whole school because he's doesn't have a clue how to act with the exchange student, I not only have to laugh at the situation, but also empathize.

Sometimes, however, the tragedy overpowers the humor. When that happens, it's no longer funny--it's just sad. Whenever I see a photo like the one below, my first instinct is to laugh. It's not out of a feeling of superiority or anything like that, but rather because the situation is so sad and so absurd, and laughing is the only way to cope with it.



But then when I read the stories above, I realize this isn't funny. This is a symptom of the pervasive ignorance throughout so much of our country, ignorance that doesn't have to be. Tragedy overpowers humor.

Rob

Just When You Thought Things Couldn't Get Even Still More Lowererer...

Hello everyone!

This crap has got to stop. First off, I'm running out of comparatives to add to my titles, but I'm not prepared to switch to superlatives because the cynical part of me knows we haven't bottomed out yet. If you don't know what I'm talking about, just go here and here to get caught up. I'll wait.

Now that you're back, here's the latest. This video features not some kooky tinfoil hat wearing village drunk loudmouth, nor some right-wing radio/Fox News host (although it is a fine line between the two), but United States Representative Michele Bachmann on Hardball. Take a look:



This is what it's come to. Anyone who has a "leftist" or "liberal" political ideology (or ostensibly can be accused of such) hates America. That includes the majority of both houses Congress and a huge segment of the general population. It also includes people such as me, someone who "you'll find on college campuses." (Well, only two, and one is a community college, and I don't teach but tutor and take classes, but you get the point)

So what exactly is your garden-variety, patriotic, average American supposed to do with this information about America haters? If a hypothetical American patriot truly believes that ours is "the greatest country in the world," and if that person truly believes it's his or her duty to defend the country against its enemies, then what should be done? I mean, America haters are clearly America's enemy, right? So, what is our patriotic duty? Should we go shopping? Should we hide under the bed and hope the brave Republicans protect us? Should we vote? Should we write our Congressperson? What if we live in Michele Bachmann's district? Should we blog about it? What's a blog?

Maybe we should just solve the problem ourselves, "southern justice" style, like they did in the "good old days."

Regardless, Michele Bachmann is either starting early with her scary Halloween stories or she's not-so-indirectly inciting violence. She's certainly not criticizing Obama's policies (which should be relatively easy enough to do) or anything civil like that. No, she's using flimsy, circumstantial evidence based on extremely loose connections to some guy she calls a terrorist.

I think it's important to note that Bill Ayers committed some acts that, while very much misguided, killed nobody. So it's quite a stretch to call him a terrorist, but that's essentially what Representative Bachmann has been doing, as have most of the pundits and "media figures." But I guess that makes a better news story than this: "A young activist becomes overzealous and commits a few property crimes out of protest...other activists get assassinated so he hides out for a while...later he turns himself in...the case gets thrown out because the evidence was obtained illegally...he then becomes a model citizen and is now a well-respected educator."

Anyway, I would argue that Congresswoman Bachmann has a low opinion of Americans, and maybe even hates Americans. She seems to be counting on a whole lot of ignorance throughout the our country. Apparently, all we have to do is hear is the word "terrorist," and then we'll all remember that Obama has a scary, foreign-sounding name, which means he also must be a terrorist pal-arounder! 9/11, 9/11!

This is the same old tired act to play on people's fears, prejudices, and xenophobia. "We don't know anything about Obama," essentially means, "He's different." But in reality the average person probably knows more about Obama than John Kerry, George Bush, or Bill Clinton at this time in their respective campaigns. The only difference is that Obama is black and has an African-sounding name, but the others are white and have European-sounding names.

What Representative Bachmann does not only plays on racist, xenophobic fears, but accentuates them. Unfortunately, people respond to fear with violence. So that means that either she's incredibly stupid or she's incredibly cold-hearted.

Luckily, after she appeared there was a rebuttal from The Nation editor and publisher Katrina vanden Heuvel:



Hell, even Pat Buchanan disagreed with Bachmann. It's pretty sad when your right-wing views are too extreme for Pat Freakin' Buchanan.

As for Katrina (the publisher, not the hurricane), I'm going to keep renewing my Nation subscription until she retires just to help make sure she can continue to have a job. We need more people like her on TV news shows and less people like that horrible excuse for a human being, Michele McCarthy Bachmann.

* * *

On a lighter note, I made a relatively important discovery today. I had been preoccupied with this photo for quite some time:

I wasn't sure why, but something about it looked eerily familiar. I mean, sure, it's a photo of Sarah Palin, and everyone who has remotely been paying attention lately has certainly seen plenty of Sarah Palin photos. Well, almost everyone.

Anyway, there was something specifically familiar about this particular shot and I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was. I knew there was something there that I had seen before. Finally, this morning while I was in the middle of my morning constitutional, I realized what the photo reminded me of. This photo:



How do they do that? I tried to make that upside-down smiley face all morning, and I couldn't do it. Between this and John McCain's tongue gyrations, I'm convinced that they're sending secret mouth signals to their alien brothers and sisters from Planet Reagan that Earth is about ready for the invasion.

Rob

The End Is Nigh!

Hello everyone!

I'm sorry to report that the final prophecy has come true:

The Apocalypse is indeed upon us. Head for the hills, people!

Rob

The Final Debate (In Pictures)

Hello everyone!

In case you missed it, here are some photos from last night's debate:





What the hell is the matter with John McCain? Why does he keep sticking his tongue out? I don't get it. He looks like an iguana trying to catch a fly. A really old, wrinkly, grumpy iguana with a white comb-over, my friends. Did I mention that John McCain is really, really old?

Also, here's a shot from last Sunday of Obama and Joe the Plumber:


I hope I never have to hear about Joe or see his shiny, dented head ever again. And please, Obama, stop grovelling for his vote. You're going to win Ohio anyway, unless the Republicans manage to disenfranchise a bunch of voters like they're trying to do.

I'm glad this thing is almost over.

Rob

Just When You Thought Things Couldn't Get Even More Lowerer...

Hello everyone!

Here's an update to my post from yesterday about racism, xenophobia, and ignorance (three characteristics that go together like Snap, Crackle, and Pop). This is from Al Jazeera English, which is rapidly proving itself to be one of the best TV news agencies in the country, strangely enough, in terms of investigative journalism. Anyway, here's the clip:



I've tried to come up with a witty comment about this, but all I can bring myself to do is throw up a little bit in my mouth.

Rob

Just When You Thought Things Couldn't Get Any Lower...

Hello everyone!

It's gotten nasty. I'm talking downright, pathetically, disgustingly nasty. The bigots and racists are out in full force, and they're louder and more desperate than ever. Take a look:



In response to Obama's name being mentioned, people in the audience of McCain and Palin speeches have been yelling classy phrases such as "Terrorist!" "Treason!" and "Kill him!" One guy brought a stuffed monkey with an Obama sticker that he called "Little Hussein" to a McCain/Palin rally. He must be proud.

Well, now it appears that McCain/Palin are so desperate that they're going for the hate vote, or at least not doing much to reject it. The one time McCain tried, his own crowd booed him.

This kind of crap inevitably ends in violence. We certainly have a history of it, particularly against people who were in favor of minority rights or at least perceived to be (JFK, RFK, MLK, etc.) It's not difficult to imagine some nutcase being convinced that Obama is going to take away his gun and then turn this country into a jihadist, Muslim paradise where people of color enslave white people. It's also not difficult to imagine this same guy being convinced that he needs to do something about it. Maybe Mr. North Vietnamese Prison and Ms. Hunting Wolves from Helicopters think that's the only way they can win, which is why they keep saying Obama "pals around with terrorists."

I fucking hate people.

Rob

More On the VP Debates

Hello everyone!

In case anyone missed the VP debates last Thursday, here's the video:



Rob

Say, This Election Needs a Metaphor

Hello everyone!

Recently, I've been thinking that this election needs a metaphor. Fortunately, I found one...



Rob

Maybe the Taxpayers Will Bail Me out of My Student Loan Debt

Hello everyone!

Well, there goes another $700 billion $850 billion down the drain. But hey, when the national debt is already over $10 trillion, what's a few more hundred billion? I mean, it's not like we're ever going to be able to pay it off or anything, so what's the big deal? In fact, let's just keep borrowing more and more money until we default, which will completely bankrupt the country and start another worldwide depression. Doesn't that sound like fun? My grandma loves to talk about her childhood growing up during the Great Depression, and how she and her siblings used to go to the market and beg for rotten and/or moldy produce for the family to eat when they were kids. Good times!

If we're lucky, our government will have learned from having its collective balls in the tight, talon-like grasp of Wall Street, which basically told our "leaders" that the taxpayers need to bail them out or they will destroy our economy, and that this time it will work because the same idiots who caused the problem are going to fix it. Then when our country's economy completely fails, we can tell the rest of the world they need to bail us out or we'll bring down the rest of the world's economy with us, and if we're really lucky some of that trickle down to regular people like us. And if that plan doesn't work, we can always invade someone, perhaps Canada. They've had it coming for a long time.

So what does the mainstream media have to say about this? Hell if I know. But here's what The Daily Show had to say:



You know, lately I've posted a few blog posts. And nothing makes me feel like I've accomplished what I've set out to accomplish like when I type a bunch of words and then click the "Publish Post" button. To me, that's what makes blogging worth it. Sure, most of the jokes I tell fall flat, and the rest is usually just copy-and-paste stuff that I steal from others (such as the above video), but the point is I'm not getting paid for this.

It just makes me feel good to be reminded that anything is possible whenever I do something that is completely possible, no matter how terrible of an idea it was in the first place.

Rob

The VP Debates!

Hello everyone!

Well, I watched the VP debate earlier this evening with Cathy and some friends, and I have to say that both candidates were... um, prepared.

First off, America's favorite moose hunter and reader of every single newspaper, Sarah Palin, certainly did a fantastic job regurgitating stock Republican talking points, often with no rhyme or reason whatsoever, and usually about issues that had little or nothing to do with the question asked. At a few points, she basically said that she didn't want to talk about whatever the subject was, but she wanted to talk about something else (something that she was ostensibly more prepared to talk about). However, she smiled a lot and acted "spunky" and "folksy," so of course the knuckle-draggers are already proclaiming that she won. It won't be long before the establishment follows suit because if they don't, Bill O'Reilly might call them "far-left" news sources.

On the other hand, Biden talked about matters of substance and responded to the questions clearly and directly, even though I didn't agree with everything he said (clean coal, WTF?) He obviously was prepared for the debate after spending time rehearsing with Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm ahead of time. Here is an exclusive story about the practice session, complete with photos.

Oh, and Palin kept winking! What was that all about? Maybe she's making up for the fact that John McCain can't.

Did that joke go too far? Sorry, but I'm not myself these days--a year and a half of election season will do that to you when you try to keep up with it all. And although the preceding comment may some day in the future cost me a job somewhere (Google cache never lies), I refuse to censor myself! So if you don't like what I say, go f*@k yourself!

Anyway, while the debate was entertaining in a Mystery Science Theater 3000 sort of way, I don't think it will make a difference in the long run. Barring any "October Surprise," huge Obama scandal, or full on blatant voter fraud (any of which is possible), I'm going to go ahead and call it for Obama. There you go. I'll either look like a genius or an ass a month from now.

But if McCain/Palin win, looking like an ass will be the least of my concerns.

Rob

The Subprime Primer

Hello everyone!

Here's a handy illustrated slide show that explains the subprime mortgage mess in simple terms that even I can understand. Enjoy!

Rob

Sarah Palin Does DC

Hello everyone!

Are you looking for a job in this uncertain economy? Do you look just like Sarah Palin? Well, look no further! Rob Dow's World has found the job for you, and here it is!

Yes, this was an actual Los Angeles Craigslist advertisement. But no matter how badly the economy tanks, it's heartwarming to know that as long as there are still cameras, there will always be jobs in the adult entertainment industry!

Hey, the debate is tomorrow! I'm sure it will end up just like the movie that the aspiring San Fernando Valley filmmaker is planning. Stay tuned!

Rob