Thursday, October 30, 2008

Barack X?

Hello everyone!

I'm a big fan of conspiracy theories--the nuttier, the better. The reason for this is that I know that there's not a lot that I really know. So when I hear some crazy theory, I'm open to the possibility that it's true. For example, when I was tabling for Steve Novick at the Eugene Saturday Market last spring, we were set up next to the Obama table. An Obama lady was asking people who passed by if they were registered to vote, and she asked one crazy guy who then proceeded to rant about how voting doesn't matter because the Illuminati runs everything.

That may sound bonkers to some, but I can't dismiss it as a possibility. The reason for this is that I don't know anyone who runs the world. Of course, I doubt that guy who yelled at the Obama volunteer does, either, so it's not like I'm going to live my life as though 12 Jewish guys in a bunker a mile below the surface of the Earth control everything. But I refuse to dismiss the possibility, either. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that whenever I scoff at anything as ridiculous, it usually ends up true. That's just how my luck goes.

Nevertheless, I occasionally come across a conspiracy theory that is so implausible and so completely ridiculous that I think the person who came up with it must be either be a clever prankster or psychologically unhinged. I submit to you, the viewer, Evidence A:

Barack Obama's father is really Malcolm X.

No, this doesn't link to an Onion story. It is an actual right-wing website posting that uses "evidence" to make the claim that Malcolm X is Obama's father. What evidence do I speak of? Well, both Obama and Malcolm are about the same height. They both are good at speaking. The both kinda look alike, but Barack Jr. supposedly looks nothing like his father, although I'm surprised this guy can tell black people apart. But the real smoking gun: Obama's mother might have in the same hemisphere as Malcolm X around the time Obama was conceived!

According to this future-Pulitzer Prize winner, Obama's mother was actually in Seattle instead of Hawaii when Barack was conceived, and Malcolm X may have been in Seattle around that time, which means that he is certainly Barack's father. Oh, and all the records of her being in Hawaii and enrolled in school are forged, as is Obama's birth certificate because the birth date printed on it would mean his mother was pregnant for over a year. The author explains that before Obama's mother gave birth to him, she ran away to Hawaii to marry Barack Obama Sr. to "legitimize" her child. Instead of trying to marry one of the many black men in Washington, she went to Hawaii and to convince the only black man on the island, Obama Sr., to marry her. Lucky for her that even though Obama Sr. apparently had a wife in Kenya, he was fine with this arrangement because polygamy was all the rage back home, so this would make him really cool, except he supposedly forgot to tell all his friends that he was married, so nobody actually thought he was cool.

The author then traces Barack Jr's radical upbringing by stringing together a story that includes the usual (Bill Ayers, Jeremiah Wright, Tony Rezko, and now featuring Rashid Khalidi), but also includes scary black Muslims (Elijah Muhammad and Louis Farrakhan), as well as scary black non-Muslims (Jesse Jackson and Carol Moseley Braun--she and Obama both worked for the same law firm), and relatively unknown by Americans but still scary-sounding black Nigerian dictator Sani Abacha (whose bio the "author" plagiarized directly from Wikipedia). I'm really surprised there was no mention of Obama's connections to Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. After all, he is an Arab.

It's true. I read it on the Internets.

I am open to the possibility that Malcolm X is the father of Barack Obama. I highly, highly, highly, highly, highly doubt it, but I am open to the idea. But if it's true, that would make me want to vote for Obama even more.


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