Sunday, February 18, 2007

It's Rob's Turn to Bitch, Bitch!

Hello everyone!

People are always asking me about what it's like to blog. In fact, just the other day, I was walking down the street minding my own business when some guy recognized me and said he was a loyal reader and asked if he could have my autograph. After informing him that my contract stipulates that all autographs must go through my agent, he asked me, "Say, Rob, what's the best part about having your own blog? Is it the money? The fame? The chicks?"

Now, while those things might seem like fun to a non-blogger, I can tell you that they're really overrated.

No, the best part about having a blog is the power! I have my own forum to bitch and criticize other people, thereby asserting my own superiority! Watch, I'll prove it:

An Important Lesson About Word Pronunciation:

The following are not words:
  • "Lie-berry" as in "I borrowed this book from the lie-berry." It's cute when a four-year-old says "Lie-berry", but it's sad when a 34-year-old does.

  • "Sim-you-ler" as in "Your new car is very sim-you-ler to mine." The proper response here is "Yes, it is sim-me-ler."

  • "Drownded" as in "I almost drownded last summer." I wish you had.

  • "Supposably" as in "Supposably, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting back together." Supposably, you graduated from middle school.

  • "Twunny" as in "Can I borrow twunny bucks?" The same goes for "plunny": "No, you can't borrow twunny. You've already borrowed plunny from me." I have to admit, I'm as guilty as anyone else on this one. But that's because in certain parts of town, I'd get beaten up for saying "twen-tee" or "plen-tee". Stupid rednecks.

  • "Foilage" as in "Oooh, I think I'll go outside and look at the lovely foilage." While you're at it, stay outside. Enjoy the Reynolds Wrap bush!

  • "Interpretate" and "Orientate" as in "We have to interpretate what this map says in order to orientate ourselves." I'd like to punchatate you in the facetate.

  • "Acrost" as in "I live acrost the street from you." No, I live on Oak Street, and you live on Ignoramus Avenue.

  • "Sherbert" as in "Rainbow Sherbert is my favorite ice cream." See above and replace "lie-berry" with "sherbert".

  • "Spaded" as in "I had my dog spaded." I hope you had yourself spaded, too, because you shouldn't be allowed to reproduce.

  • "Ashphalt" as in "The ashphalt is hot on my bare feet." True story: a former coworker teased me because I pronounced it "ass-fault". The only thing worse than an idiot is an oblivious idiot.

  • "Perscription" as in "I need to get my perscription filled." I hope it's a perscription for cyanide.

  • "Nuke-you-ler" as in "Saddam is developing nuke-you-ler weapons." You'd think the being in charge of the largest nuke-you-ler weapon stockpile in the world would be a good enough reason for the President to at least pronounce the word correctly, but you'd be wrong.
The word "party" is not a verb. Neither is "club" or "pub", although going pubbing is a lot of fun.

There is no such thing as a mute point. What is that, a point that can't talk? A point about Helen Keller?

If Indians were attacking, it probably wouldn't do much good to "send in the calvary," but it might be fun to go to the First Cavalry Church.

Hey Dumbasses:

Some words begin with the letters "Es", while others begin with "Ex". Learn the difference. For example, saying, "I love to drink expresso in this extablishment, expecially while reading Exquire magazine, excaping on an excalator, or expousing the benefits of driving a Ford Excort to an Exkimo," would not make you sound smart and sophisticated, it would make you sound like an idiot trying to sound smart and sophisticated.

Can you tell I'm a writing and grammar tutor?

Anyway, I feel much better now that I've gotten that off my chest. Here are some other things I've been thinking about lately:
  • I saw a commercial that said Miller Lite has won more awards at "The World Beer Cup" than any other beer. They forgot to mention that it was "The World Beer Cup sponsored by Miller Lite" and they have categories like American-Style Low-Carbohydrate Light Lager. Well, at least the second part is true.

  • You can be overwhelmed or underwhelmed, but can you be whelmed?

  • I think the problem many people have with accepting evolution is that if we as a species are in the process of evolving and changing, that means we're not "perfect". If we're so perfect, why do we have to use toilet paper? Think about it.

  • How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? About two cords.

  • I've been disgruntled before, but never gruntled. At least not that I know of.
On that note, this posting is starting to whelm and gruntle me, so I think I'll call it a day.

Rob

4 Comments:

Anonymous Summer said...

I have one you'll enjoy, Rob. In a job interview I conducted the other day, a candidate (for an upper-level clerical position supporting the company president) described herself as "perfectional" before going on to mention her excellent communication skills.

2:25 PM, February 19, 2007  
Blogger Rob said...

Hello Summer!

That's pretty bad. Apparently her communication skills are so good that she can invent her own words.

Earlier tonight, the clerk at Sears gave me a "cuepon" for 10% off my next visit.

Also, my lovely wife pointed out that "club" is in fact a verb. But I was referring to people who say they "went clubbing" and mean they went to clubs and danced or whatever, not people who mean they used clubs to kill baby seals.

Rob

11:58 PM, February 19, 2007  
Anonymous Laurie said...

Fuk yo7u!

I can say cuepon if I want to.

And it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm from Texas.

10:56 PM, February 23, 2007  
Blogger Rob said...

Hello Laurie!

Oh, you can say cuepon if you want. But, I can laugh and point at you if I want.

There's nothing wrong with being born in Texas. It's not like you had a choice. It's those idiots with the "Don't mess with Texas" t-shirts and bumper stickers everywhere attitude that reeks of smug self-importance because they happen to live within some arbitrary borders that really pisses me off.

Rob

10:26 PM, February 24, 2007  

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