Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Derek the Abstinence Clown

Hello everyone!

Apparently having sex before marriage is just like juggling machetes over someone's prone body. It's also the same as abusing tobacco, alcohol, and illegal drugs (but apparently prescription drugs are okay to abuse, or at least not as bad as premarital sex). Why do I say this? Well, that's because I heard it from Derek the Abstinence Clown:

And just think, this, er, clown is being paid by an organization that received $800,000 from the federal government in 2007. That means that our tax dollars are financing this clown to scare the crap out of kids instead of being honest with them. That way, when they do have sex (and most of them will), they won't bother to use protection because what's the point? Derek the Abstinence Clown told them that all sex before marriage is bad. Or some boy will get hepatitis from having unprotected anal sex with his girlfriend because she's "saving herself (her vagina) for marriage," and they don't know the dangers because all they've been taught is sex before marriage is bad.

Seriously, who thought this was a good idea?

If they really want to keep kids from having sex, they should give comprehensive sex education and spend a lot of time discussing venereal diseases like they did when I was in school. Once the girls hear terminology like "thick, cottage cheese-like discharge," I guarantee they won't put out to the boys until they're at least 30. Or at least they won't put out to guys who are like I was in high school.


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Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, apparently, if you really like to juggle, remember that you'd better do it with yourself. A lot. It's way too dangerous to do it with other people. Oh, and the best way to clean up the Kleenex when you're done practicing your juggling is to set it on fire.

10:38 PM, February 03, 2009  
Blogger Rob said...

Hello Anon!

Thanks for pointing out some more of the lessons our nation's kids can learn from Derek the Abstinence Clown!


7:52 AM, February 04, 2009  
Anonymous Greg said...

Remember, you can't spell Dereks the Abstinence Clown without Derek the Ass Clown. OK, I kind of forced that second "s" in there, but it still works.

12:17 PM, February 04, 2009  
Blogger Rob said...

Hello Greg!

You also can't spell "Derek the Abstinence Clown" without any of these:

"Derek the Bean Incest Clown"
"Derek the Cabin Teens Clown"
"Derek the Bans Entice Clown"
"Derek the Canine Best Clown"
"Derek the Cab Teen Sin Clown"
"Derek the Scab In Teen Clown"
"Derek the Ban Ice Nets Clown"
"Derek the Nab Nice Set Clown"
"Derek the Abs Nice Net Clown"
"Derek the Ace Bent Sin Clown"
"Derek the Ace Best Inn Clown"
"Derek the Ace Nibs Net Clown"
"Derek the Cane Bi Nest Clown"
"Derek the Cane Best In Clown"
"Derek the Acne Be Snit Clown"
"Derek the Nascent Be I Clown"
"Derek the Enact Be Sin Clown"
"Derek the Aces Bent In Clown"
"Derek the Case Nib Net Clown"
"Derek the Antics Be En Clown"
"Derek the Can Be Inset Clown"
"Derek the Can Been Sit Clown"
"Derek the Can Beets In Clown"
"Derek the Can Bi Teens Clown"
"Derek the Cans Been It Clown"
"Derek the Acts Been In Clown"
"Derek the Act Been Sin Clown"
"Derek the Cat Been Sin Clown"
"Derek the Sane Bi Cent Clown"
"Derek the Tans Be Nice Clown"

And my favorite:
"Derek the Scan Bi Teen Clown"

Thank you, Wordsmith.org


12:48 PM, February 04, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a great message. So, if there's the risk that something might go wrong, abstain from it at all costs or you won't get your dream. Well, I might get in an accident if I drive my car, so I'd better not drive. And I might get shot up at school, so I'd better not go to school.
That's right kiddos, focus on every conceivable risk so that you can avoid things that are bad. Live your lives in fear kiddos...that's the best way to achieve your dream.
What a bone hole. I'd like my tax dollars back, please.

1:01 PM, February 04, 2009  
Blogger Rob said...

Hello Anon!

Yes, that's the message. I'd also add: don't leave the house because you might get hit by a bus. Don't stay at home because a chunk of frozen blue liquid sewage might fall from an airplane and crash into your house, killing you instantly.

Of course, if you're married, none of this applies.


4:55 PM, February 04, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whew, that's a load off my mind. Thank god we're married :)

9:44 AM, February 05, 2009  

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