Monday, January 26, 2009

The Guy Who Thinks Everyone Is Deaf

Hello everyone!

I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with Billy Mays. No, I'm not talking about Willie Mays. No, not Willie Mays Hayes, nor Robert Hays. I'm talking about this ignoramus:

Anyone who watches television on a semi-regular basis has seen, or rather "heard" this blockhead screaming at the viewers to buy the latest plastic piece of crap. And if you call now, he'll throw in two additional plastic pieces of crap for only $19.95! CALL NOW!

Each time I hear him yelling and carrying on, I have an uncontrollable urge to throw a brick through my television. The only thing that's saved my TV is the fact that I don't have any bricks handy, so the worst thing that happens is that a throw pillow gets, well, thrown at the guy's stupid, yelling face.

Yet, I'm oddly fascinated by him. And it turns out I'm not the only one. Apparently, he's developed a legion of followers, and for your viewing pleasure I've compiled comments from his fans that I've found right here on the Internets...
His talent of being able to shout at a conversational level is nerve grating. -Cal

When one of Billy Mays's commercials comes on the screen I either mute the tv or change channels. I'll be glad when he has run his course! -James L Thomas

Billy Mays is the most obnoxious whining, screaming asshole on TV and he’s getting rich doing it. Shows how idiotic the citizens of this country are. -Harvey

Billy Mayes must be corrupt as the companies he advertises for. -Robert

The guy drives me BATTY! I’ve been known to dive across another person to reach the mute button! -Mike P.

What an irritating SOB! -RJ

I have an allergic reaction everytime I hear this abrasive, loud, obnoxious voice. -Helen Barak

Billy Mays is nothing more than a modern day snake oil salesman. -Paul

I initially wondered if he was hearing-impaired as that sometimes accounts for speaking so loud but apparently he is just a loud, abrasive guy. -Daura

I hope someone gets irritated enough to start some sort of “ban Billy Mays” movement. I will join in a heartbeat if it has the possibility of removing this irritant from my living room. -Roger

After much thought, over many years, I still cannot, for the life of me, understand just where Billy Mays' credibility is supposed to come from. -Dave

Why a greasy-looking loudmouth with a belligerent tone should appeal to anyone who’s looking for cleaning products mystifies me. -Smithy

I’m so sick of his screaming and mangy looking beard. -ann

I mute him as soon as I hear his voice. My concern is that I may miss a product that automatically mutes him at the first sound of his voice. That’s what I want for Christmas. -Marty R

Billy, GET LOST and take the Geico Caveman with you -Roger Williams

You sir are a sales prostitute. -Bob Marbs

The only thing worse than listening to Billy Mays is having to listen to George ‘W’. -Chuck

How many tubes of [Mighty Putty] would you need to putty Billy Mays mouth shut? That's all I want to know. -otto

Billy Mays is a knob. -eschoendorff
Not only is he widely adored, but he has also rescued Christian peace activists in Iraq. True story.

Billy Mays

Billy Mays. A true American hero.

Rob

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2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope you feel like an idiot for writing this now.. and all the people who left those comments to. He was one of us little people who just happened to use what GOD gave him to make it big. I hope one day you find something to make it big with, and it just happens to be obnoxious to all the Billy fans, so we can talk trash about you too.

6:53 AM, July 09, 2009  
Blogger Rob said...

Hello Anon!

Wow, you said a mouthful! Allow me the opportunity to respond to what you said point-by-point:

"I hope you feel like an idiot for writing this now.."

I sure do! But then, I usually feel like an idiot, so today is no different!

"and all the people who left those comments to."

Are you saying you hope I feel like an idiot because of things complete strangers said? Because I really don't. Or are you saying you hope those other people feel like idiots? Personally, I couldn't care less whether or not a bunch of people I've never met and probably will never meet feel like idiots, but your mileage may vary.

"He was one of us little people who just happened to use what GOD gave him to make it big."

First off, he was a pretty big guy. Secondly, if "GOD" was handing out talent, and He decided to give Billy Mays the ability to yell and annoy the crap out of people across America in order to shill crappy, useless products, then "GOD" must have really had it out for Mr. Mays.

Incidentally, I understand the Judeo-Christian tradition of capitalizing the first letter of the word, "God," as it's used as a proper name, but what's the deal with capitalizing all the letters in the word? In my experience surfing the Internets, capitalizing each letter signifies shouting. Perhaps you were simply channeling your inner Billy Mays.

"I hope one day you find something to make it big with"

If the definition of "making it big" these days is to be an obnoxious television commercial shill, I'm not interested. But thanks anyway!

"and it just happens to be obnoxious to all the Billy fans"

I'm quite sure most of what I already do would be considered "obnoxious to all the Billy fans." But that's what keeps me going every day.

"so we can talk trash about you too."

If you're truly hoping for the day I become well-known enough just so that you and your imaginary friends (because seriously, how many actual "Billy fans" can there be?) can make fun of me without being called a douche for making fun of some guy that nobody's heard of, then I really suggest therapy.

Thanks for the comments!

Rob

4:52 PM, July 09, 2009  

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