Sunday, January 25, 2009

The Bacon Explosion: Keeping Cardiac Surgeons Everywhere in Business

Hello everyone!

Two things I appreciate very much are creativity and a sense of adventure. No, this isn't the start of an online dating service ad. I'm talking about food recipes.

As many of you know, I haven't eaten even a titbit of land-based animal flesh in over ten years. That means no beef, pork, chicken, turkey, venison, moose, elk, bear, yak, goose, duck, frog legs, pigeon, or any type of roadkill whatsoever, at least as far as I know, since there is always the possibility that some recipe might have called for some chicken stock or something similar in something I ate at some restaurant at some point. Who knows? The point is that I do everything reasonably possible to avoid eating land-based animal flesh.

I do, however, make an exception for fish and seafood. As Kurt Cobain said, "It's okay to eat fish/cause they don't have any feelings." This would technically make me not a vegetarian, but a "pescatarian," for those keeping score. And no, pescatarians are not people who go to that church near Home Depot, either.

The reasons for my dietary choice are varied and not something I want to get into here because invariably whenever the subject comes up, someone tries to convince me that I should eat this or I should eat that. I've never understood this. What makes people think they should try to seek out and exploit my non-existent dietary allowance loophole?

I understand the idea that if I'm doing something that's not good for me, people who care about me might try to convince me to stop. But in the case of my diet, the opposite seems to happen. When I smoked cigarettes for over 13 years, nobody gave me nearly as much of a hard time over it as people do when they find out I don't eat beef, pork, or fish. In fact, out of people I've discussed the subject with, a much greater percentage of carnivores have given me crap over not eating land animals than true vegetarians or vegans have given me over eating fish and seafood or eggs and dairy. It's the strangest thing.

Anyway, over the past ten years I've noticed that land-based animal flesh, particularly red meat, makes me somewhat nauseous whenever I smell it being cooked. Bacon is not too bad, but that's because the hickory smoke smell overpowers the scorched pork fat smell. The prospect of eating beef, pork, chicken, etc. is a bit revolting to me. I'd happily eat meat if I were starving, but I'm not, so I won't.

It wasn't always that way. Just 12 years ago in my warehouse worker days I regularly had lunch at Burger King, and it usually consisted of a Double Bacon Whopper with Cheese meal, king-sized, of course. Back then, I'd practically eat anything that could reasonably be called food. And I was as carnivorous as one could be.

But there are some food concoctions out there that even me of 12 years ago would've had second thoughts about eating, or even attempting to eat, such as six pound burgers, chicken fried bacon, and many other types of deep-fried food that should never be deep fried.

Then I came across the Bacon Explosion.

I'm speechless. Just click on the above link if you don't know what I'm talking about.

Creative? Absolutely. Adventurous? If Mt. Everest was located on the South Pole, climbing it backwards while blindfolded and then BASE jumping off the peak in the nude while getting a tattoo wouldn't be as adventurous as eating one of these.

I suppose it's not intended for one person to eat the damn thing, but I'd bet my last dollar that someone, somewhere is going to try if he hasn't already. And I know I just did something I'd bust one of my students for doing: using non-gender-neutral language, but I feel confident saying that if someone is going to try to eat four pounds of barbecued pork, that someone is a man, baby.

I have to admit, however, that the creativity and sense of adventure used by the inventor of the Bacon Explosion has gotten some wheels turning in my brain. I showed this to Cathy and asked her if we should try it with Smart Bacon and Tofurkey Italian Sausage. She was up for it, but now that I think about it, it's probably sacrilege to even attempt it.

No, I'll leave the Bacon Explosion to those adventurous carnivores, or to those looking for a clever, tasty way to commit suicide.


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Anonymous Greg said...

As a carnivore more than happy to eat land-based meat as long as it can't outrun me while alive, this is still pretty disgusting. I think I just got my RDA of meat for the day just looking at those pictures. The one with the glaze on it before you cut it looks like a big juicy turd, quite frankly. This thing has more pork in it the the $825 bazillion bailout package Congress is trying to pass. Ba-dump-tss.

Finally, was anyone else aware that there is a condiment called "pork rub"? I am not sure if there is a more unappetizing thought. Sounds like something a massage therapist might use.

11:41 AM, January 26, 2009  
Blogger Rob said...

Hello Greg!

Ah, yes, the famous Pork Rub massage. That's one of my favorites, along with the legendary Cow Poke maneuver.

I also thought the thing looked like a giant, glistening turd in that photo. It's a fine line, no?


2:31 PM, January 26, 2009  
Anonymous Greg said...

LOL. I originally had that in my comment, but took it out for some reason. Why must every "conversation" between us end up with poop?

11:24 AM, January 27, 2009  
Blogger Rob said...

Hello Greg!

I blame Kate.


2:29 PM, January 27, 2009  

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