Sunday, April 13, 2008

Rob Rips Off The Daily Kos

Hello everyone!

Today's blog is going to be another copy-and-paste job. This time I'm going to blatantly steal from the Daily Kos. I do this because I believe my readers deserve to read good blog postings every once in a while. Here goes:
Barack Obama Shows Disrespect For Rural Americans
by Hunter
Sat Apr 12, 2008 at 12:22:00 PM PDT

NEWSCASTER BOB: Good evening, and welcome to the news. A disturbing revelation tonight, as reports indicate the abusive treatment of prisoners in United States custody was specifically endorsed at the highest levels of government. Vice President Richard Cheney, then Secretary of State Colin Powell, National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, Attorney General John Ashcroft and CIA Director George Tenet specifically signed off on torture techniques like "waterboarding" that could be used on prisoners, including specific numbers of times some techniques could be used.

This contradicts frequent statements by the administration that these torture techniques were not used, and may have legal ramifications as --

PUNDIT 1: Bob, I'm going to have to break in here. We have breaking news that Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama today turned down a cup of coffee, asking for orange juice instead. Could this be the gaffe that brings down the Obama campaign? Let's talk to our panel of interchangeable political experts.

PUNDIT 2: This is remarkable, Interchangeable Pundit 1. Can a man be president if he turns down a cup of coffee? I think that shows a remarkable elitism -- just a shocking blunder, on his part. How will Obama connect with rural America if he doesn't show respect for them and their beverages?

PUNDIT 3: I agree, Interchangeable Pundit 2. I mean, Obama is trying to court small town voters -- where does he think he is, the Ritz? How many of these people does he think have ever heard of something called "orange juice?"

PUNDIT 1: Exactly, Pundit 3. I mean, you have to think he's just offended so many of these folks. I wrote a column last year about how much good, decent rural Americans like their morning coffee. These people don't know what "orange juice" is. They've never had it. To have some guy come in to their town and ask for "orange juice", like he was a Prussian king or something -- I mean, that's really not going to go down well with these old fashioned, everyday yokels. Really, really a blunder. It really shows his lack of respect for these small town Americans.

NEWSCASTER BOB: ...Um, all right -- thank you pundits. Getting back... um... getting back to our top stories today, presidential candidate John McCain on the campaign trail today once again asserted ties between Iraq, Iran and al Qaeda that intelligence and military experts have repeatedly said do not exist. This was after several similar statements yesterday, and is seen by some as damaging to the credentials of the self-styled foreign policy expert. McCain has remained steadfast in his support of a war that has become overwhelmingly unpopular, and --

PUNDIT 1: Bob, I'm sorry -- we again have breaking news on the campaign trail. In a big blow to his campaign, it seems Barack Obama has not done well in a game of bowling. He bowled quite badly -- let's again to our panel of Interchangeable Pundits for their reactions on this important developing story.

PUNDIT 2: A huge, huge blow to the Obama campaign. Obama is at huge risk of being seen as out of touch and elitist, here. I wrote a column about this just last year, about how important bowling is to rural Americans. Every small town hick in America knows how to bowl -- I really don't think these plaid-shirt-wearing tractor jockeys are going to be able to accept a president who does poorly at such a blue-collar, all American sport. It really smacks of elitism -- not hitting the pins, I just think that's an insult that all the half drunk rednecks out here in this part of the country, who really are looking for a president who understands them and their indoor sports.

PUNDIT 3: Remarkable, yet again. Not wanting a cup of coffee, doing badly at a game of bowling -- this is the sort of stuff that these slackjawed hill people really look down upon. Obama really has to show he is in touch with these farm country cow tippers, that he respects them. He's not doing it, with blunders like this. "Oh," Obama says, "no coffee, thanks, just bring me the juice of a squeezed tropical fruit" -- I just don't know that that's going to play with these four-tooth hayseeds and shack dwellers.

NEWSCASTER BOB: So Pundit 1, getting back to our original story, you don't think the war is a big story, in rural America, you think coffee and bowling scores are what these Americans want to hear about.

PUNDIT 1: Absolutely, Bob. I wrote a column about this a few months ago, how these fine, upstanding turnip farmers are tired of hearing about the war, and just want a good cup of coffee and to go bowling. No matter how inbred they may be, you have to admire the simplicity of their way of life. Not elitist at all.

PUNDIT 2: Totally agree. You have to take into account that rural Americans are a simple people. This coffee incident is really the kind of story that could resonate with these wholesome, beer swilling cow tippers.

PUNDIT 3: I agree as well. Very much so.

NEWSCASTER BOB: All right then, thank you pundits... In a related story tonight: one hundred years. That's how long one presidential candidate says troops may be in Iraq. Meanwhile, the death toll rises almost daily. We'll speak to several military experts tonight on whether the Iraq War is draining resources from what some call the "real" War On Terr--

PUNDIT 1: Bob, hold on, fresh breaking news here. It seems presidential candidate Barack Obama has stepped in it once again, by claiming that some small town Americans are "bitter." We're going to have a one hour breaking news special on this, right after this news program, but before that let's talk again to our political experts.

PUNDIT 2: This is -- this is staggering, Pundit 1. Just devastating to the campaign. You have a regular guy like John McCain, who is really in touch with these halfbreed nine-fingered dirt pickers, who really feels their pain at their telecommunication companies having to answer to federal laws, or who are really, really alarmed that the Iraq War won't be allowed to continue indefinitely, or who just want to do their patriotic part for encouraging free trade by outsourcing their town's jobs and industries, and then you've got Obama over here claiming they're "bitter"? Wow. I mean, you have to marvel at the blunder. John McCain's spokesman immediately came out with a statement that everything is fine, and that these rural patriots are really quite pleased at the job losses -- if those job losses happened, which the spokesman denies.

PUNDIT 3: I agree, this really helps John McCain. For Obama to claim these cowpie chuckers are bitter, or that these people who have lost their jobs have been losing hope -- well, that's just the gravest of elitist insults to these flyover country half-human Sears-shopping trailer park squatters. How dare he insult them like that, by calling them "bitter"? You know, in my last column I talked about these fine small town possum scrapers, and how valuable they are to the country. These people go to laundromats where you have to put the quarters in the machines yourself -- yourself! No joke, I'm not sure Obama can really relate to something like that. He's certainly never written a column on it, that's for sure.

PUNDIT 1: Probably too busy drinking orange juice! Ha! But seriously, I agree with your agreement. I mean, between wanting orange juice, doing badly at a sport, and claiming people who have lost their jobs are bitter, I'm just not sure what demographic he's still trying to appeal to. Certainly not the fine roadkill-stew-for-dinner folks that make up our small towns and rural areas. They don't care about complicated things like wars and job flight, they care about coffee and bowling and leaders who understand how much they like wars and job flight. And laundromats.

PUNDIT 2: I agree with both of your agreements with me. I wrote a column two weeks ago about these very same steak and potato halfwits, and what a treasure they were. Obama's losing them, by talking about things like jobs and orange juice. Huge mistake.

PUNDIT 3: Indeed, if I could agree again with my agreement, I'm going to be writing a column next week about these corn-bred Godbillies. I'm not sure Obama could understand them as well as you and I do, having not written any columns about them. I think all you have to do is listen to country music -- the music of the people, I might add -- and you'd hear that these pickup driving dynamite-fishers aren't bitter in the least at the closing factories. If anything, they're grateful for the free time.

NEWSCASTER BOB: Now, hold -- hold on a minute here. What you're basically saying, what you've been saying all night, in fact, is that our rural Americans are essentially too ignorant and uneducated to follow stories about the war, or torture, or the failing economy, or even their own lost jobs. Instead, they want to hear stories about bowling, coffee and whether or not someone said they might feel bitter. Don't you think that's a bit insulting to small town America -- that you're essentially calling them stupid, not able to grasp anything but the smallest and most trivial of stories?

PUNDIT 2: Hmm, sounds like somebody hasn't been writing any columns.

PUNDIT 3: I agree. War, torture, and the economy? What an elitist question. You know, you should visit these people sometime, you'd see how simple and upstanding they are. They do their own laundry, even -- it's inspiring, that's what it is.

NEWSCASTER BOB: All right, I'm just going to let this drop, I think we really need to get back to real news now. Coming up, Vice President Cheney eats a baby. Will Bush pardon the baby for not being tender enough, or leave it to the courts to decide? Coming up, an interview with the baby's parents, who have apologized to the Vice President for their baby not tasting as delicious as the Vice President had expect--

PUNDIT 1: OH MY GOD, BOB, I HAVE TO BREAK IN HERE -- OBAMA JUST PUT A NICKEL IN THE TAKE-A-PENNY BOWL. THIS COULD BE IT, BOB, I'M NOT SURE THESE SUSPENDER-WEARING BEAN EATING SHEEP SODOMIZERS HAVE EVER SEEN THAT MUCH MONEY IN THEIR LIVES, HE MAY HAVE LOST THEM WITH THAT DISPLAY OF OSTENTATIOUS WEALTH. PUNDIT 2, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

PUNDIT 2: UM, I CAN'T TALK RIGHT NOW, I'M ACHIEVING CLIMAX -- ONE SECOND -- ONE SECOND --

PUNDIT 3: GET ME HOME! CALL THE DRIVER, GET ME HOME RIGHT NOW! I HAVE TO WRITE A COLUMN!

NEWSCASTER BOB: Um... OK... I'm being told we're going to take a quick break. When we come back: Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama. Why has he never eaten a baby?

[end scene]

Rob

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