Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Read This or You'll Die a Horribly Painful Death in the Next 48 Hours!

Hello everyone!

So as all both of my readers probably know, I've been doing the MySpace thing for a while now. It's mostly been a good experience. It has gotten me back in contact with people I haven't talked to or seen in years. It allows me to read friends' other blogs. It has exposed me to bands that I wouldn't otherwise know about. It has allowed us to spread the word to Lane students about the debit card (253 "friends" and counting!). And even though MySpace is owned by the evil Rupert Murdoch, I consider it an overall positive thing.

However, not everything is great. There's a feature called "bulletins" where a MySpacer can post a message so that all the people on that person's "friends list" can see it. Now, in theory, this is a great way to send out a general message to everyone and avoid having to send a message to each person individually. But instead, the bulletin feature usually ends up being filled with scams about pit bull exterminations, annoying useless quizzes, "repost this or else" type chain letters (not to be confused with chain mail), and other crap. I came across one example that was so bad, I just had to share it with all both of my readers, along with my thoughts. Enjoy:
Subject: We Miss You!!

Body: It may take you two minutes to read this, but if you do not take the time to read this you are one of the people this post is talking about.

You stay up for 16 hours

He stays up for days on end.
Ok, this must be about tweekers.

You take a warm shower to help you wake up.

He goes days or weeks without running water.
More tweeker talk.

You complain of a "headache", and call in sick.

He gets shot at as others are hit, and keeps moving forward.
Apparently this tweeker lives in Detroit. (Bah-dum-siss!)

You put on your anti war/don't support the troops shirt, and go meet up with your friends.

He still fights for your right to wear that shirt.
Oh, I see. This isn't anti-drug propaganda. It's pro-war propaganda.

Hey, I didn't know the Iraqis wanted to make it illegal to wear shirts in the US. Aren't Muslims all about covering up with burkas? Maybe they just want the nonbelievers to go topless.

You make sure you're cell phone is in your pocket.

He clutches the cross hanging on his chain next to his dog tags.
Wow, they're not wasting any time laying it on thick. Apparently either all soldiers are Christian or the military is now forcing them to wear crosses. Decide for yourself which is less unlikely.

You talk trash about your "buddies" that aren't with you.

He knows he may not see some of his buddies again.
That's pretty cliché but true. Maybe we should end the war now, so he'd get to see his buddies. Just saying.

You walk down the beach, staring at all the pretty girls.
I walk down the beach staring at all the pretty girls? Isn't that a presumptuous thing to say? My wife would understandably be pissed if I did that. Besides, the beaches around here aren't much fun to walk down in the pouring rain.

He patrols the streets, searching for insurgents and terrorists.
Maybe some of the "insurgents and terrorists" are actually just regular people who are pissed that their home got bombed to hell. Sometimes they're just people with names that sound similar to people who are pissed that their home got bombed to hell. I'm not defending, just clarifying.

You complain about how hot it is.
Right now, I'm not complaining about how hot it is. It actually hailed today.

He wears his heavy gear, not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow.
"Not daring to take off his helmet to wipe his brow"? Who the hell wrote this, someone who writes for Hallmark cards?

You go out to lunch, and complain because the restaurant got your order wrong.

He doesn't get to eat today.
He didn't get to eat today? Here's an idea: Maybe Halliburton shouldn't have received that no-bid contract by its former CEO and our current Vice President to provide food for the soldiers. They don't seem to be doing a very good of a job if the soldiers don't get to eat for a day. Oh, but I guess I'm just "complaining".

Your maid makes your bed and washes your clothes.

He wears the same things for weeks, but makes sure his weapons are clean.
My maid? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

You go to the mall and get your hair redone.

He doesn't have time to brush his teeth today.
I've never gotten my "hair redone", much less at a mall. This person obviously doesn't know me very well.

You're angry because your class ran 5 minutes over.

He's told he will be held over an extra 2 months.
That sucks. It's also one of the things the "protesters" have been "complaining" about. The 2 months, not the 5 minutes, that is.

You call your girlfriend and set a date for tonight.
I don't have a girlfriend. My wife won't let me.
He waits for the mail to see if there is a letter from home.
Maybe if this guy didn't spend all his time waiting for the mail, he might have time to eat, change his clothes, and brush his teeth.

You hug and kiss your girlfriend, like you do everyday.

He holds his letter close and smells his love's perfume.
Smells his love's perfume? Uh-uh---uh...

Retch!





































Sorry about the delay, but I threw up all over my keyboard and had to clean it up. It took a few minutes.

Where were we? Oh yes:

You roll your eyes as a baby cries.

He gets a letter with pictures of his new child, and wonders if they'll ever meet.
I don't "roll my eyes as a baby cries," even though it rhymes. Instead, I roll my eyes as I read bulletins like this.

You criticize your government, and say that war never solves anything.

He sees the innocent tortured and killed by their own people and remembers why he is fighting.
Wow! I didn't know it was possible to cram so much bullshit into one sentence! Good thing our military has never tortured or killed "the innocent". The subtle racist overtones ("their own people") were a nice touch, too.

You hear the jokes about the war, and make fun of men like him.
No, I make fun of ridiculous bulletins like this piece of crap. And really, it's so easy...
He hears the gunfire, bombs and screams of the wounded.
Unfortunately, most of the bombs and gunfire come from our soldiers, and most of the screams come from innocent Iraqis.

You see only what the media wants you to see.

He sees the broken bodies lying around him.
Right, it's always the media's fault. Who "broke" most of the bodies again?

You are asked to go to the store by your parents. You don't.
Well, in my defense it would be about a 9 hour drive each way.
He does exactly what he is told even if it puts his life in danger.
I don't know if I'd be proud of that, but to each his own...

You stay at home and watch TV.

He takes whatever time he is given to call, write home, sleep, and eat.
Wait, didn't you say, "He doesn't get to eat today"?

You crawl into your soft bed, with down pillows, and get comfortable.

He tries to sleep but gets woken by mortars and helicopters all night long.
I've got a great idea! If we all just stop getting a good night's sleep, we can stop feeling guilty that the soldiers don't get undisturbed sleep!

If you support your troops, re-post this with "WE MISS YOU"

If you don't support your troops well, then don't re-post, it's not like you know the men and women that are dying to preserve your right.
And what MySpace bulletin would be complete without making some sort of judgment about the recipient and guilt tripping him or her to repost your stupid bulletin? But alas, I guess it worked on the person who posted it for me to see in the first place.

Look, I know the soldiers are going through hell. But don't blame me. I had nothing to do with it, at least not directly (I know I drive a car and use plastics, but I never made the decision that our society should rely so much on petroleum products. Cars and petrochemicals were around long before I was born). I was also against the war from the start, along with many other people. But that's not why we're losing. It wouldn't matter if all 300 million or so of us Americans protested in the streets or not, or if we posted blogs like this or not, we're losing because there's nothing to win.

There's no one to surrender for "the enemy" and no one to sign a peace treaty. As David Cross once said, "Are we going to wake up one morning and turn on the news and find out that every terrorist is dead? 'Yep, we got every last one of them'" (That was a rough paraphrase--I couldn't find the original quote anywhere online). But if we can't kill all the "bad guys", then what? Threaten them into submission? How do you threaten a suicide bomber? You're essentially saying, "I'll kill you before you kill yourself." How is that supposed to work? It doesn't. It just creates more of a problem.

Nope, the only way the war will end is if we leave. That's the only way. Sorry, but it's true. We've already lost. We lost the moment we went in.

I just want the war to end. So do 63% (or so) of Americans. And right now, that's the only sort of support we can give to the soldiers (I hate the word "troop"--it's another example of deception by word choice).

No amount of bogus MySpace bulletins or "Support our Troops" stickers on SUVs (the ultimate irony) is going to help them. They need to come home to their friends and family and go through some serious therapy so they can come to terms with what they've been through. That's apparently not in the cards for now, though. So even when the war is over, we're still going to have to deal with the aftermath. Goody.

Oh well. But hey, Cathy and I are getting a new couch and loveseat delivered tomorrow! Woo-hoo!

Rob

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